peace.

This morning at church we celebrated the Passover.
This morning at church I celebrated the promise and covenant that I am kin to...with my family. My beautiful, dysfunctional, closer than blood-related, new, intensely amazing family.
This morning at church I learned a whole lot about trust and patience.

I'm so impatient. I say often that my two defining characteristics are impatience and awkwardness. Those two things completely define my relationship with Jesus Christ. I can never wait on His time. I can never breathe Him in, relax, and wait. I am impatient. And along with my impatience, I am completely, cluelessly awkward. Its beautiful, really. I embrace it...but it still frustrates me so much.
To be a part of the family of a redeemer so intertwiningly innocent and guilty is something I will never be worthy of. To be a daughter of a God so merciful and full of grace is something I cannot claim as my own decision. It is of Him...it is a blessing...and yet my own unforgiveness doesn't allow me to experience this fully.
Things I cannot seem to forgive myself of: jealousy. hate. judgemental-ness. a holier-than-thou attitude. hypocrisy. The list goes on for miles and miles. I just can't get over these things. To my humble surprise, God has already forgiven me. When I think of that, I know that I am clean and a new creation. But I cannot focus on that thought for long enough. My mind is always back to the blindness that accompanies humanity. I cannot forgive myself.
Without my own forgiveness, I cannot focus on others. She said this morning that she was learning to love herself, because she thinks that is most important. That if you cannot love yourself, who are you to love others? That if you cannot accept forgiveness and redemption, then who are you to testify to it?
I've been learning a lot about trust. Trust God to wash me clean. Trust Him to love me at my worse, and so I must love myself at my worst. Trust that He has a plan, that he knows where I'm going and who's going to be there with me in the end. He won't let me down. He doesn't want to, and He doesn't even really know how. There is no let down in His vocabulary...for everything works together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
Patience is difficult. But I've got some peace these days. Nothing comes easy, but isn't it more beautiful if you wait? I hope so...cus I've been waiting for so long, and I'll continue to wait...until it's Your time.

This morning at church I experienced God among family.
And this morning I learned that good things come to those who wait.