let it go...

"daisy, let it go...this fallen world doesn't hold your interest, it doesn't hold your soul...daisy, let it go..."

i have spent this saturday morning moping and sleeping and numbing myself with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and ice cream. i've been trying to forget, trying to let things go, trying to move on with my life, but i have this innate ability to lie to myself and pretend i'm forgetting for a few moments, only to be bombarded by the very thoughts i want to forget less than 2.5 seconds later. it's amazing, really. and frustrating.

this has been an extremely emotional week for me, and what makes it horrible is that the beginning of the week was wonderful--free of pain and beating myself up and raw emotion--i was living in fantasy world. and even friday morning, i dealt with the bulk of the emotional turmoil on wednesday night and thursday (or so i thought) and friday morning was beautiful. i was happy and content and could deal.
it didn't stay that way.

all of the pain in the world was laid on my shoulders on friday night. pain that i never wanted to see or feel or touch or take on. pain that no one should ever have to experience. and i can't deal with it, but i can't let it go.

sometimes i wonder why god let me have this job that i have because he knew that i would be the sort of person that would try to take on the burdens of my clients. i am overly empathetic and it really gets me into trouble. try dealing with second hand PTSD from sexual abuse, physical abuse, drug use, violence, etc. try dealing with first hand ptsd and you may not survive--but imagine trying to cope with second hand post traumatic stress disorder from the experiences of a good seventy or eighty teenagers who have all lived through their own versions of hell.
it sucks.

so i'm sitting on my couch in my pajamas at two o'clock on saturday afternoon because i can't deal. i can't let these things go and realize that i am not the one who should be in pain. hell, i don't want to have this pain--it would be great if i could just appreciate the painless life i am living and not worry about it, but that's not my heart. my heart has this seeming obligation to try to relieve the pain of others by taking it on myself--to know that someone is suffering with you is more comfort than you might imagine (or so i like to think).

i'm listening to this switchfoot song and thinking, yes, let it go, okay, that would be lovely...but what if you can't? what then?

i feel heartless if i am to turn my back to the struggles of these kids. i feel like i'm not doing my job--because i'm not. but if i don't turn my back completely then i can see and seeing is enough to ruin me. because once i've gotten a glimpse, i go all the way--and then i end up where i am right now.

this happens too often.

this will burn me out.

but i can't fix it.
because i don't want to.