love intensely

We are nowhere, and it's now.

2010-06-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

I put my facebook status as "things are about to get crazy" a few weeks ago.

I thought that my life might be spiced up a bit, so I wrote this.

I think it is a gross underexaggeration.

I haven't slept all week. I am a completely changed person.

Mostly, I want you to know that you were right about me. And I place some of the blame on you for it. I hope that you read this, though you probably won't, and I hope that you know what I mean.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know when I'll get there. But I've got to keep moving.

If you swear that there's no truth, and who cares, how come you say it like you're right?

I haven't been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime.

Relief.

2010-04-25T07:28:00.000-07:00

Our concert "in the park" that wasn't actually in the park due to rain went off without a hitch (other than the serious storm-age)! It's over! Thank God!

I feel about 800% less stressed today.

However, I have about 800 things added to both my work and home to-do lists. Just got two new clients this week. Both are very needy. And I've been asked to write a lit review for a grant for one of my professors. I hate writing lit reviews. I'm pretty horrible at it.

But that's what I'll spend today doing.

Not a lot to say, just wanted to check in. I'm going on vacation at the end of this week for a few days. It's going to be superb.

it never ends...

2010-04-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking, "If only I can make it until xx/xx/xxxx. Then I will be able to rest."

Things are kind of falling apart all around me.

Yet, I am not overly concerned. I just keep going...day to day, day to day...not worrying too much..not worrying too little. I'm content, in some ways, and very discontent in others. I hope for my kids to get jobs and move on. I hope for some of them to get healthy and move on. I hope for most of them to be happy and move on.
I hope my family will learn to be less dysfunctional....but there is something about the concept of personal responsibility. I can't solve the problems of everyone around me. All I can be is stable and unwavering. The still point.

If not for the still point, there would be no dance. And there is only the dance.

I think that soon (by soon, I mean after I get my bachelors and my masters degrees) I will move on from here. I think that there are greater things on the horizon than this little town. I think that I will do great things and tire myself out completely so that one day I can be content in the simplicity of life.

But I think that for now, my job is to be. To just be. Be consistent. Be compassionate. Be firm, but understanding. Be.

In all things, I must stand firm. Alone, with the help of my friends.

it's only Monday...

2010-04-12T15:19:00.000-07:00

freaking monday.

I was woken up at 2:30 this morning by a Safe Place call. Kid in crisis....kid that happens to be my stalker. Freak yes. I didn't respond to the call but I went to fill in at the TLP while someone else did. Girl didn't even follow through.

So I didn't go back to sleep when I got home at 4:00 am. I wrote a paper instead. And then I went to work at 7:00. Worked til 3:30. Did a bunch of homework. Working on finding a stage for an event I'm planning.

Now it's 5:20 and I'm waiting until 6:00 to go to a work BBQ. I'm really excited.

Not.

I'm really exhausted.

2010-04-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

I get too attached to people.

I know this about myself.

I know that when I get too attached, it's so hard to let go.

So I turn from one extreme to the other. I get too attached or I don't get involved at all. I don't know how to balance things. I don't know which is better.

It never gets easier--letting go of people. Even if you don't believe that they will actually leave. Even if you know they'll come back someday. What if you aren't here when they get back? What if you are different, they are different?

All these questions make me wonder why I do what I do. Why do these people matter so much? Why love them? Why?

I'm feeling sad this morning, and lacking a bit of direction. I'm not sure what I need, except just someone who isn't going to leave. Is that possible?

frustrated.

2010-04-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

I'm bitter today.

I am angry. I'm angry because people have to lie to each other. I'm angry because people get misunderstood or because they misrepresent themselves. I'm angry because I can't see through people's lies all the time and because sometimes I do and someone else doesn't, so my opinion is worthless.
I'm angry because people have sucky parents that don't help them become functioning adults. Because some people never get to be adults or never get to be functioning. I'm angry because the world is full of so much hatred and filth and....anger.

I want to love the crap out of people so that they can never be angry again. But I can't do that if I'm angry in the first place.

2010-04-02T04:57:00.001-07:00

It's Friday.
I love Fridays because I usually get off work relatively early and go home and sleep for several hours.

I love it.

Tomorrow is the Easter Egg Hunt where my kids will paint faces. I will post some pictures of it sometime next week.

Today is "Catch up on all the paperwork you've been putting off for the last three weeks" day.

Whoo hoo.

mmmbop.

2010-03-31T15:51:00.001-07:00

I'm home alone this break, I believe (sad that I'm not exactlyy sure where one of my roommates is going to be!). Tomorrow I'll be looking at one bedroom apartments...in August I'll be living alone.

It's strange...this being alone thing.

Sometimes I'm very happy about it. I enjoy being able to come home from a hard day of work (and most of them are) and just chill and not have to deal with anyone else, impress anyone else, worry about anyone else.
But then I think about living alone for a while and I am sure I'll become a hermit. I'm almost one as it is.

I'm not sure how this fits into anything. Just my thoughts currently.

On another note, I'm taking a short vacation at the end of this month.

Yeah, I know. Me? Taking a vacation?! CRAZY!

I'm excited.

Proud Mama

2010-03-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should change the title of this.
But I won't.

Okay, so I don't work at the outreach center anymore, right? I work at the TLP now. But I am at the outreach center at least once a week (more like two to five times) to check in, say hi, get stuff, kick somebody's butt, whatever.

Today I went there and worked with two of my clients on enrolling in college. (Can I just say that today I actually helped THREE of my clients enroll in college? ISN'T THAT AWESOME?!) While I was working with them, I was bouncing around, saying hi to a bunch of kids I love and being happy and being proud of my children.

So, back up about two months. It's Friday night and this young man comes in the door. I know this boy well and he's a big punk. I say that in a very loving way. He's all about smoking pot/doing other "fun" drugs and "makin bank."--which he's not. He comes in and tells me that he is going to be officially homeless (i.e. changing from couch surfing to actually sleeping on the street corner homeless) in a few days and he doesn't know what to do. Blah blah blah we start talking about going to treatment and he says... well... I'll...think...about...it...
I have no faith, and I tell him that, but I ask him to think about it. A few days later he's getting in a van and going to treatment and calling me every day and telling me how it is. SO PROUD.

Well, he leaves treatment early because he's tired of it and he comes back. I kind of wanted to kick him in the face, but I didn't. I just told him I loved him and I would support him whatever he does with his life. I kept encouraging him to get into a TLP...so ours doesn't have any openings, so I told him about one in another city. He said...well...I'll...think...about...it...

So today I go to the center and I see this young man playing pool so I go say hi. And all of a sudden he's telling me that he's getting on a Greyhound bus in a few hours to go to this other TLP that I told him about several weeks ago. SOOOOOOOOOOOO PROUD!

A lot of my kids are making big strides. A lot of them are doing great things for themselves.

I can't even tell you how proud of them I am.

Growth.

2010-03-27T06:52:00.000-07:00

So, something has changed for me this week.

I was watching this documentary last night about women in prison who are working with this director on this writing project. It's called "What I want my words to do to you." In this video, the women read things they have written, mostly about the crimes they committed which got them put in prison for a very long time (murder is the most common one).
One of the women reads her essay about how she murdered this 71 year old man who had called her while she was prostituting. They had sex and then she killed him. She talks about how she found out later that his wife of forty years had died three months earlier and he was lonely. She says that she had thought of him as a pervert and a horrible person, but after finding out that he had been mourning his wife's death and this was his reaction to being alone, she felt differently.
The woman cried and talked about how horrible of a person she was.

What was amazing and inspiring to me was that the other women in the room listening to this did not encourage the woman to continue wallowing in self-pity. They said basically, "Yes, you killed a man. No, that's not awesome. But you have to move on now. Your life goes on and continuing to beat yourself up over this is not going to work. It's not fixing anything."

I feel like we let ourselves wallow too much. For instance, I have had the mindset for the last several months that the kids that I work with (homeless youths) who have been abused and taken advantage of and treated horribly have some kind of excuse to make the decisions they make. I do truly believe that they have an excuse. I believe that trauma has affected their brains in such a way that they have poor decision making skills and will struggle to turn away from risk-taking behaviors.
However, I do not believe that it is fair for them to lean on these excuses and not live up to the amazing potential that they have.

Some of my children do not want to get their education and work in normal people jobs. They have different dreams. For those kids, I would never encourage them to do things that they do not have their heart and soul in. But there are some kids that I see that desperately want to change the world, but they are so caught up in their circumstances that they have yet to even get their basic education. This makes me sad.
It makes me sad that I haven't challenged them to move past their circumstances and live the life that they really want to live.

So I have changed my approach. I refuse to not challenge these kids to do more, be more, than they think is possible. It's injustice for me to sit by and let them wallow in self pity.

It's injustice for me to sit and wallow in my own self pity.

This has changed for me this week.

you are loved.

2010-03-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

i'm about to leave to go to the park where an event that i am planning will be held at the end of april.

i haven't blogged in a while.

i haven't breathed in a while.

after i get done at the park, i'm taking a nap and watching a movie and going to bed and sleeping for twelve hours or so. i haven't slept in a while either.

just wanted to check in. i'm still alive. barely.

i might update later this evening if i'm awake. i do have things to say.

update.

2010-03-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated with school.

But...on the bright side, the class that i hate does not meet tomorrow. And the difficult class that i enjoy after that was supposed to have a test, but now it will only be a take home test. Way better.

I have to get a TB test tomorrow.

And I'm in love with my job.

End.

addendum

2010-03-09T22:02:00.000-08:00

to those of you that question my faith.

to those of you that worry and pray about me.

here is where i am...in less words. here is where i have been for some time and where i will stay for some more time.

i'm not upset about it. i'd rather be honest and confused than a liar and a fraud.

i feel so strange about that...about so many things...about this thing called life and how it's all playing out.

what's going to happen to us when it's over?

what is there to look forward to? to direct their eyes to?

i don't know. i really don't. that's scary and foreign to me.

could there be a place where we are all healed? not just some of us, those that go to church and subscribe to religion...but all of us? where we no longer feel pain or give pain?

i'm not so sure. but i wish. i hope. i pray.

i pray that there is a place where all of this hard work will finally pay off. where he will be wanted and know that. where he will be able to deal with his past and not have to get fucked up. where family won't be a question, but a constant. where she won't have to manipulate to find love because love will always be there. where he won't have to be locked up because he is lost and can't find his way home...because he has no home.

i pray that these things will come true. these and so many more.

but i don't know at this point. i can't tell you what will happen when it's over. i can't even tell you what will happen tomorrow. who am i to think i could ever figure this out? who am i to say that there is a definite answer? who am i?

i think that those who claim to have the answer are only kidding themselves. maybe i am wrong, but what is my opinion worth anyway? i think that those who think this life is simple and can be fixed in a matter of syllables are more fucked up than most of us will ever be.

i'm a fan of honesty. i haven't been honest with a lot of people in my life and i'm sorry about that. but this is me. this is honesty in all it's glory.

i'm sorry if you are disappointed in me. but, honestly, i really don't care about your opinion of me. i only care about finding the truth. and i'm not so sure i'll ever be able to find it. but i won't stop looking.

so you can pray for me...and i hope that you will. i hope that you will pray for my kids and my friends and my life. but don't kid yourself. you don't have it figured out either. and don't judge me for being confused. [sorry for being defensive...that's how i was raised]

Here comes the sun again...

2010-03-09T21:39:00.000-08:00

I'm in a strange mood.

I've been thinking too much recently...about some people (a lot of people really--but a few in particular) that I miss. that I'm worried about.
I've been worrying too much.

Anyway, normally that worry and those thoughts would make me sad, and I am a little bit sad...I cried on the way home from work tonight...but overall, I'm relatively happy.

It's good to be happy. It's been a while.

Also, to change topics: My car got broken into tonight. Well, technically nothing was broken. I left the back door unlocked in a not good part of town. But someone got in it, went through my glove compartment, turned my freaking rearview mirror upside down. I made a police report, though I don't think they took anything.
Oh, and I ripped one of my favorite shirts today with my elbow. Trying to take it off in a hurry. I'm awesome.

I'm going hiking this weekend.
I'm excited.

I love.

oh my god, whatever, etc.

2010-03-08T18:04:00.001-08:00

Today was a pretty normal day at work. [Oh man, I love that. Work being normal. LOVE.]

However, I'm feeling kind of down at the moment. I just think too much I guess.

There's a boy in our program who is sixteen and has kind of just been tossed around from family member to family member because he has issues with following rules. I mean, who wouldn't have issues following rules if your dad had been in prison your whole life and your mom was in lock-up for ten years of it? Anyway, we were talking in a staff meeting about what to do with said boy because it didn't look like he was really appropriate for our program, being so young and unsure about living on his own.
So, in the midst of this conversation, my boss says, "He's just a kid that nobody wants."

Oh man. I think about this conversation every time I see this kid. He's not a kid that nobody wants. He's really not, but that's the way it seems.

And that's the way it seems with most of my kids. Nobody wants them so they get tossed from home to home to foster care facility to DYS to TLPs to the streets to home to jail to prison to halfway houses for substance addiction to whatever.

I love this kid. I love these kids. I want them.

I took this kid to school today and talked to him about his life. And all I could think about for the rest of the day...and all I can still think about....was that staff meeting conversation.

so long, sweet misery...

2010-03-06T16:50:00.001-08:00

Today I went to a sweet thrift store/flea market/someone's garage/high-class dumpster dive and I found the most RIDICULOUSLY awesome record player...for FREE!

We walked into the dirtiest garage ever in this house that has been made into a catch all recycling center in this itty bitty town in the middle of nowhere and there it was. I fell in love at first sight. So we asked the guy if it worked and he said, "Well, I don't know, but I'll make you a deal. I'll give it to you regardless and you take it away and just don't bring it back."

It's in my living room now.

I need to clean it and such and have my friend check it out to see if it's fixable as the record part doesn't work. However, the radio works in it....I hear rumor that it makes weird popping noises if you leave it plugged in though. Small sacrifice for an awesome piece of artwork.

On other notes, I am LOVING my new job. Absolutely loving it. It's much less stressful at this point and more my style. And I've escaped the stalker that is at the outreach center. She's obsessed with me. It's kind of scaring the shit out of me, honestly. Not that she's done anything to hurt me, and I don't think she will. Just weird. I'll write more about that later.

Off to eat some supper. Having a relaxing night catching up on homework and such to begin my spring break. I'm always playing catch up.

Love Sees A Need and Finds A Way To Meet It

2010-02-28T16:57:00.000-08:00

I never put much stock in horoscopes but the fact that I have two completely different personalities depending on what minute it is can definitely be explained by looking at the stars...

I'm sick today but feeling like getting things done.
I might actually write a paper that isn't due for a few weeks...

yeah...I know it's crazy...

The weather has been nice lately and it's got me thinking about spring break and summer vacation. I won't get either one of those this year due to work and classes but I would like to take a week off and go somewhere. I'm trying to decide if I want to go by myself or bring someone with me.
My mind is leaning towards taking a road trip to the Redwood forest or some other National Park. I'd like to go in May, I think...
I just can't decide if I want to go by myself or not.

Anywho, this is my first full week in my new job so we'll see how it goes. Likely won't have much time to blog because my schedule is going to be crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

New Horizons

2010-02-27T10:22:00.000-08:00

Part of me thinks that this was a ridiculously long week and part of me can't believe it's already Saturday.

I semi-started my new job this week. Wednesday and Friday I spent time at our TLP working with my caseload. I think I am really going to enjoy being a case manager. I've already had the opportunity to take a young woman to her OBGYN and go over goal plans with some of my kids. Two of my kids were drug tested on Friday but I didn't get to be a part of that. I'm pretty sure neither will pass, which means they'll be on their way out the door (this is the second time around for them). I hope they have changed but I never get my hopes up too much.

One thing about the job that may be difficult for me at first is that some of these kids are older than I am. One in particular said, "Just give me some time to get used to you being my case manager. It's weird. I mean, you could be my little sister, after all."

I guess it's not that weird of a thing, but it's going to be a slight challenge.

Leaving the outreach center is mostly a good thing. There are a few kids I'm going to miss but I'm really really ready for this change of scenery. I am not even the slightest bit sad.

Anywho, this weekend I'm being lazy because the last few weeks have been ridiculous. I'm so tired and I'm pretty sick as well with a cough and runny nose. I think my sister is coming to town later to see Shutter Island....but for now, I'm going to take a nap.

exciting!

2010-02-22T21:21:00.000-08:00

i technically find out tomorrow (but my supervisor has already informed me) that i got the case manager job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's a lot of exclamation points....for a lot of good reasons. I have been struggling to maintain a good attitude at work every day due to a lot of things, and though i am going to miss my kids a lot, being at the other location will help immensely (i think) with the burnout. change of scenery.

on that note, i'm off to bed. still haven't written my paper. geeeeez.

lady gaga is my nemesis.

2010-02-21T10:53:00.001-08:00

I should be writing my literature review right now. I should be finding literature to review.

This has been an awkward, awful weekend, to be quite honest. Things have happened that, if I could go back in time, I would've judged myself and condemned myself to hell for. Not exaggerating.
I don't regret making the decisions I made, I just wish I had thought about the consequences before I let go. Shit.

Overall though, I'm a college student doing college student things. Learning college student lessons. Not-doing my homework like any normal person...putting off doing my laundry and eating day-old pizza...

I'm glad I have friends who love me in spite of my mess-ups. I'm glad I can laugh about my mistakes...no matter how awkward and painful they are.

love is nothing easy.

2010-02-18T23:51:00.001-08:00

twloha

2010-02-15T07:08:00.000-08:00

I just got some new coffee--Colombian med. dark roast--and i'm in love with it.

I used to hate coffee, but that has changed and I can almost say that I don't even need silly flavored creamers anymore. That's almost, though. Not quite.

I am writing a research proposal this semester focusing on self-injury in young adults. Yesterday I was working on my literature review and I decided to take a look through my folder of old writings. I wrote a play my junior or senior year of high school that focused on cutting and it was very interesting to read.
I never was a cutter or self-injurer, though I think a lot of people that new me probably would have guessed that I was (let's just say I was very "emo") but I knew a lot of people who were. I had forgotten how interesting and important this topic was to me.
It turns out that it is still very relevant in my life today. At the outreach center, we did a survey last summer and some 40 to 50% of our youth are self-harmers. This is a ridiculously large number and it is a lot different from the population that we were seeing several years ago. Things have changed from a group of kids who harm others as a measure to a group who are completely absolved into the population of self-harmers that our country is filled with today.

So I want to know why. Why hurt yourself instead of someone else? How does this relate to childhood victimization (I suspect that they have a strong relationship)? How does it relate to childhood/adolescent diagnosis of mental illness? What mental illnesses are they being diagnosed with?
There are so many questions. After this semester, I'll have to wait a year or so (until I get into my masters program) and then I'll get to do the research. Can't wait!

While I was in high school, one of my greatest resources when faced with a friend or acquaintance who dealt with self-harm issues was To Write Love On Her Arms.
Very great organization, very important to me.

update

2010-02-12T10:48:00.000-08:00

Well, I have an interview for the case manager position, that I talked about in my last post, on Monday at 1 pm.

We'll see.

I don't have a whole lot else to say...so I'll leave you with a picture of the cutest child in the world.

2010-02-10T05:25:00.000-08:00

i'm about to be on my way to our transitional living program location this morning to speak with the supervisor there. there is a job open in case management. my schedule does not lend itself to such a job, but i feel like i am capable of doing the job and i would like to talk about the possibility of changing the job schedule/requirements slightly so that i can.
it may be completely fruitless, but i wouldn't be myself if i didn't at least talk it out.

at any rate, things have been stressful this week and it's only wednesday. yesterday was so draining...i can't even describe it. i don't even know.

i'll get back to you.

Whatever will be, will be....

2010-02-03T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm learning things about myself every day.
I'm becoming comfortable with who I am and the things that I have done and not done.
Last night I was talking with one of the girls about her current relationship issues. I told her it was funny that people ask me for relationship advice when I haven't had a lot of experience. After a moment, she told me it was really strange to talk to me because (she and I are the same age) I am the only person that she knows that is her age and acts that age.
I told her I never really was a kid. I grew up pretty fast. But, I wouldn't have it any other way. Because had I been a kid, I wouldn't be where I am now. And I love where I am.

I know I screw up (believe me, I know--and I beat myself up for it usually), but I am very proud of who I have become and the things that I am doing in my life these days. I'm learning to love myself completely and I'm learning that I am worth loving. I hope that I will be able to share that knowledge with others. For their sake.

It's a constant battle for me...to be happy with the here and now...to be content in who I am...to do the things I've promised myself I will do...but it's not in vain. And I'm making progress. I can't wait to see what this does for my future.

The future is bright you see...que sera sera...

Musings

2010-01-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

A lot of kids come to me with words about suicide and the inability to find meaning in this life. My kids are broken. So broken, that sometimes I wonder if fixing them is even possible. For a lot of people in my life, the question is: "Why don't you talk to them about Jesus?" "Why don't you tell them to go to church?"
For me, the question has become: "Are they too broken to fix?" "Is there anything that can help them?"

Today I had the pleasure of saying the words, "You're young. You'll learn." to one of my coworkers. We were talking about a young woman who is a meth fiend and recently starting claiming to have gotten pregnant. My supervisor was talking about her drug use and my coworker said, "But if she's pregnant, doesn't that mean she'll stop using drugs?" I have been around long enough to know that the answer to that question is no, so I said so. My supervisor told me that I am jaded--I'm 19 years old and I'm jaded.

This has become my every day as of late. I have little faith that things can be fixed and I choose not to think about this, so as not to get my hopes crushed when she doesn't quit using meth and her baby dies or is born addicted. I choose not to get my hopes up about my kid who is in jail so that when he gets out and goes right back to using drugs and stealing to get by, I won't be disappointed.
I have felt much disappointment.

This saddens me terribly.

It isn't that this completely translates into my work. I still offer counseling and services to those in need, but I don't mess around anymore. One of the luxuries of working in an outreach center setting is that, due to lack of time divided by amount of youth in the center, you can say the words "I will work with you, but I'm not going to waste my time if you aren't going to put in effort."
This has been my response lately and though, in one way, it is liberating to say those words, I just wonder whether what has happened to me is good or not. I see bad things in the fact that I detach myself. I never wanted to become this way. Though there are pros and cons, it is a process for me to get to the point where I am comfortable with the way I approach my job. And I am not there yet.

Last night I spent three hours letting myself worry about my kids. I haven't done that in several weeks and I don't think it was the best decision last night. Though, like the addict who returns to their drug of choice, I felt a sense of serenity as I fell asleep--a sense of normalcy.
I cannot get back into this habit. It is not healthy. It has not served me well.

hold me closer, Tony Danza.

2010-01-24T20:18:00.000-08:00

i haven't blogged in a while.

My life recently has consisted largely of 90s music. I'm currently listening to the Verve Pipe Pandora station. Third Eye Blind, Better Than Ezra, the Goo Goo Dolls...goooood stuff. I should've been born a little bit earlier than I was, so that I could have truly appreciated these tunes when they were popular. Whatev.
I have just had a startling and somewhat interesting realization. My facebook friends are largely no longer my friends. I've stuck with my new years resolutions, I suppose. I've been a bit meaner, I've been better about spending time with people I love and not so much with people that are just okay with me. This sounds really bad, I think.
Interesting year.

Anyway, not a whole lot to update. Things are good.

give me your eyes, so i can see.

2010-01-14T21:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I grew up in a Christian home that went to church every time the doors were open. I grew up being a practicing evangelical. I grew up thinking I knew what I believed.

Then I came to college--more specifically, I came to work. I work with homeless youth. I work with youth who have been molested, physically abuse, emotionally abuse, thrown away, forgotten, the list goes on. They make silly decisions. They are drug addicts and delinquents.

They are beautiful.

Anyway, I've blogged before about the fact that working with these kids has made me question a lot of my beliefs. Specifically, I grew up believing that if you did not accept Jesus as the Son of God, you would go to hell. Point blank. Who cares what you did or didn't do? Who cares who you were? You lose.

Working with these kids has made it clear to me that it will be mentally and sometimes physically impossible for certain people to accept Jesus as the son of God--and to accept that there even is a God at some points. It's changed how I look at things, to say the least.

Today I spent two hours talking with a youth about his depression. At the end of the conversation (as things were leading in this direction) I asked him if he was a spiritual person. He said, "I have tried and tried to believe in God and make that fit into my life--but I cannot believe that a God who created me to be physically and sexually abused would punish me for not believing in Him, and I cannot believe in a God that would create me to live a life such as this."

Now, obviously this young man was in a desperate state of mind and things were not adding up for him like they would someone who wasn't battling depression. But, he said exactly what I've been thinking for so long. I really don't believe that God would send this boy to hell for making some less than desirable decisions when he has experienced what he has experienced (his story--so traumatic...i didn't really think things like that actually happened to people). I can't believe it. And I won't.

I don't usually blog about religion or controversial things like it, but this is important for me. This is a huge change in my life and it scares the hell out of me...but I can no longer ignore what is in front of my eyes.

It's only January 13th?

2010-01-13T11:26:00.001-08:00

This year has already been very trying for me. Though, overall, I feel pretty good about things, I have had to face a lot of my old "demons" and I'm not sure how things will turn out.

Last summer, I was at a point at work where I was pouring myself into clients with no boundaries to my involvement in their lives, their current situations. It was very unhealthy. I let myself get emotionally involved in several different kids, to a point where I found myself seeing a counselor to deal with a depression that, at the time, I didn't know where it had come from. I later learned that this depression was a consequence of a lack of boundaries and a lack of the ability to be objective about the kids that I was working with.

I didn't know how to deal with their situations--and I didn't realize that it wasn't my job to do so.

Over the course of the months of November and December, I was able to gain new perspective on things. This has allowed me to become a more objective, and ultimately stable, social worker in a lot of ways. I will admit, I'm still learning when to do the extra work for the client and when to let them do it themselves, and I'm still learning not to have expectations beyond a certain limit (this sounds cold to me as I type it--like I said, still learning). But I think I'm doing a lot better this month/year.

On the other hand, I think that God (whatever you would like to say) knows that I'm working on these things and is giving me an opportunity to grow. Several kids that I was very emotionally involved in and had moved on after summer ended are now back in the city and back in my life. I'm struggling with not being too involved in their lives right now because, when it comes to these particular kids, that is all I know. I find myself pulling my hair out in the evenings at the center because I don't know how to deal with the emotions. I find myself not even wanting to talk to these kids.

Any social work advice from anyone on this topic? Should I let someone else work with these kids to get them the services they need or should I figure out how to deal with my emotions and work with them anyway? If so, how do I deal with the emotion overload?

Relevant Mag

2010-01-10T19:05:00.000-08:00

I wrote these articles in high school. I was just talking to a friend about writing them, so I thought I'd dig 'em out. Check out the current edition of Relevant Magazine. It's pretty interesting stuff.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/1414-undefining-god

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/2710-shaking-hands-with-the-world

http://rejectapathy.relevantmagazine.com/poverty/features/2651-how-spare-change-can-save-lives

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/poverty/features/2661-the-homeless-evangelist

It is going to be a long semester...

2010-01-09T07:24:00.000-08:00

I've enjoyed having the last few weeks off from school. It's been good to be able to sleep a regular (and sometimes more than natural) amount of sleep every night. It's been nice not to have to hang out with school friends that I wouldn't necessarily consider my friends. It's been nice to breathe a little bit.

On the other hand, though I am truly excited about helping my professor with this project, I think I signed up for more than I bargained. I have a hard time saying no to people, so I am always busy. This semester I'll have twelve hours of school (on Tuesdays and Thursdays only), I'll be working 37 hours in the evenings at the outreach center and 3 hours in the daytime on a relatively new program that my supervisor is overseeing, and I'll be helping out with this program through my professor. That doesn't include time I will spend on homework or being stressed out (I still haven't mastered the "leave your work at work" objective).

I've decided that I need to do a little inventory this year. You see, I was thinking recently about how many "friends" I have. There are a whole lot of people in this world, and in this town, that I absolutely love and would love to be friends with. The deal is, though, I don't have time. And I am okay with not having time to have 800 friends. I would much rather just have a few good friends, but I'm bad at making this reality. See, I meet someone new that is cool and immediately say "Oh, we need to hang out!" So, we have lunch or coffee or something once and then we are "friends." Then my schedule gets the best of me and I don't see that person again for a long time. Eventually I get a text message saying "I never see you! I miss you! Let's hang out!" And the cycle repeats itself.

One of my actual friends calls me a relationship whore. I agree. I need to stop putting myself into this cycle because when I get those texts or calls saying someone feels neglected, I feel guilty and I do everything I can to hang out with them--knowing that I probably won't do this again for six months. Now, I think it's fine to get to know people and share your stories and whatever, but I just don't enjoy that guilty feeling and the fact that it stresses me out so much. And on top of that, those people that I do really consider my friends are definitely neglected because I'm spending so much time trying to reconnect with people that I don't have time for.

This blog is pretty depressing and, if you are reading it, it is most likely that you are not in the non-friend category, but I have just been thinking about this a lot lately. You could say it's a new year's resolution. I'm just calling it reality.

Beautiful Boy-- by David Sheff

2010-01-07T11:20:00.000-08:00

"Don't accept my promises. I'll do anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time...don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I fool too easily. Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist long without the dimension of justice."

"I can try to protect my children, to help and guide them, and I can love them, but I cannot save them."

"If only life were easier. It isn't--nor is that my goal any longer. Once I desperately wanted things to be simpler, but my worldview was broken...I learned another lesson: that I can accept...a world of contradictions, wherein everything is gray and almost nothing is black and white. There is much good, but to enjoy the beauty, the love, one must bear the painful."

I really need to purchase some snow boots...

2010-01-05T11:57:00.000-08:00

I've got my first assignment for this new project I'm working on (and I even have a deadline--I feel so important! haha):
I will be assessing a young man for the program in the next few days. I must ask him a whole lot of questions--assessments are not new territory for me--and offer him information about the program. I think, due to the weather, I'll likely be doing this interview over the phone. This is not my favorite development--I'm not much of a phone talker--but I'll live with it.
I'm very excited to get started in helping my professor(s) with this.

I had lunch with my supervisor/good friend today and it was very eye-opening. Recently I made a decision at work that was, to say the least, not a good one. I will likely write about this in the future, but I'm still trying to get over being ashamed of how I handled the situation. It's a touchy subject.
Anyway, at lunch, we were talking about someone we both know who, while at work and outside of work, had handled herself in such a way with the clients that we both feel she needed to be let go from her position. Unfortunately or fortunately, she quit her job before anyone found out about her actions, so she was not fired. During this conversation, we began talking about situations that my supervisor knew about from other agencies in which staff members had done ridiculously unethical things: i.e. purchasing drugs from their clients, letting a client drive a staff member's car, dating a client who is twenty years younger than you, etc.
Needless to say, I feel a whole lot less ashamed of what I did after hearing these stories.
I'm glad that things have happened in my career in the way that they have happened. I take every single day as a learning experience and I am blessed to be faced with such a variety of situations. Working with high-risk and homeless youth is a difficult field, but I'm enjoying every minute of it.

new developments

2010-01-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

I've never demanded respect from someone before tonight. It felt pretty super good.

I've been working at this agency for a year now and I've been working with this particular client the entire time. He's been in and out but he always comes back to ask for help. He is a very manipulative person, in general, due to the environment in which he grew up, and he uses that manipulation to his advantage.
Tonight he left the center and came back (NOT ALLOWED) later to get something to eat (ABSOLUTELY NOT ALLOWED EVER) (if you are curious as to why, ask me later). I asked him why he was back and he said and I quote "I went to go see my dad and I'm fucking hungry so I'm eating before I go home."
I let him walk away so I could decide whether or not I would approach that obvious disrespectful attitude, knowing that today was his birthday and it had been a horrible one. I had decided to let the issue slide when he came to the office to ask me for a bus pass to get home (not allowed once again, due to lack of funding for bus passes we can only give them out for service appointments and job leads, etc). I said that I would give him one because it was ridiculously cold tonight (like 2 degrees--no, really) and then I decided that I was still angry about the earlier encounter.
So I said, "In the future, I would prefer that you not ask me for something that I am not supposed to give you (the bus pass). I would also prefer that you not curse at me and treat me disrespectfully as you did earlier." To clarify, since he 'had no idea' what I was talking about, I replayed the earlier scene for him. And I said, "I have been working here and working with you for a year, and I think that I deserve a lot more respect than you have given me tonight."

Saying that felt so freaking good.

I've had a hard time asking for respect at my job due to the fact that many of my clients are older than I am and have had a lot more life experiences than I have had. After a year of that, though, I think I deserve the respect I ask for. I've seen most everything you can imagine and had to deal with a huge myriad of crisis situations in the last twelve months. I've been through the battle and I've come out a veteran.

On another note, I have decided to help a professor of mine with a research project sort of thing that she and the director of the School of Social Work are doing in a smaller town just North of here. It is all about teen mental health (totallyyyyy what I want to do with the rest of my life!) and I will be helping assess youth for appropriateness for the program and working up entry and exit surveys among other things. I'll know a lot more information tomorrow, I think, so I'll post more later.
I'm super excited though, to be able to get some more experience in the field in a different way. It will benefit me more than I can imagine.

say, what?

2009-12-27T17:56:00.000-08:00

Wow, I cannot believe that it's almost 2010. I am almost two decades old (though I feel many older than that) and I'm more than halfway done with my bachelor's degree. I've been working at the center for one year, I've been living on my own for a year and a half, and I've got enough in savings to almost buy a (cheap) new car.

This year has been challenging to say the least.
I've learned the horrors of drug addiction,
learned what co-dependency is first-hand,
felt the tight grip of depression,
laughed when I thought I could never laugh again,
been shown the importance of friends,
made some of the best friends I can ever imagine,
seen my two year-old nieces grow (so differently, yet so much alike),
and fallen in love with hundreds of homeless and high-risk youth in a city I never expected to enjoy so much.

I've been completely blessed with a life I wouldn't trade for the world. I know my family worries about me and my friends wonder why they never see my face, but I feel like I am living the life God wants me to be living. It is wonderful to be able to say those words, because my relationship with God has changed and changed this year. I have wondered at the dryness of the desert and my thirst has been quenched in the most inopportune moments. I've fought the beliefs I once had and transformed them to fit into my current environment in a way that makes sense. And I've definitely learned that God will never fit inside my head.

This Christmas was relaxing (I call sleeping at least 12 hours every day this weekend pretty relaxing) and I'm ready to get back to the fast-paced life I live. One of my high school friends is getting married on the 2nd and that is currently blowing my mind, but it will not be the only ridiculous thing to happen in 2010, I think.

I can't wait to see what this year has in store. I can't wait to see where God will take me.

A New Day

2009-12-22T21:33:00.000-08:00

Dusk falls...and I close my eyes
to wake to a brighter new tomorrow.
Gone are...the labors of life,
the futility of strife and the
lingering trauma of sorrow.
Dawn breaks...and I clearly see
a new day of heavenly creation
fresh with new hope, renewed faith
and good cheer, and the promise of
eternal salvation.

--Delores Karides

i received this poem in a Christmas card.
i hope that it means something great,
instead of empty promises.
i hope i can live up to it.
i hope dawn will break.

rainy days and thursdays always get me down...

2009-12-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

thursday is the worst day of the week, every single week. i can't pinpoint it, honestly, because it's really no different than any other day, but it has been the worst day since january of this year and it's not getting better.
i know that at the beginning of the year, thursday was the worst because i was only working two days a week and thursday was the first day i had off after working. i would beat myself up and feel guilty all day for not having to go into work, for living a double life (life at work/life outside of work), for whatever. it was my worry day, and then the weekend came and i forgot about work for the most part, until tuesday rolled around again.
after i started working full-time, i didn't have this issue. i was working monday through friday, so if anything, saturday should've become the worst day of the week...but it didn't.
i talked to my supervisor about this and she said that it might just be that thursday is close to the end of the week (but not close enough) and i've been carrying these heavy burdens all week and i'm just tired.
i don't know. all i know is that today has sucked already and it's not even 1 o'clock yet. i hate thursdays.

on a brighter note, next week is Christmas and that is crazy to me. last Christmas (Christmas morning to be exact) was my first day of work in this job. so, Christmas day is my one year anniversary. last Christmas was great, though i spent most of the morning reading a book in an office by myself. it was relaxed and there weren't a ridiculous amount of presents and fake smiles and feasts--things i really dislike about the holiday season.
this year, though, i'll be with my family on Christmas, and i am oddly happy about this. spending a year working full-time and schooling full-time with hardly a weekend free to see anyone that i love makes me ready to spend time with the family. crazy, huh? i would've never ever said that eight months ago.

i'm going to try to make the rest of this a good day. let's hope it works out.

2009-12-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

i just spent the night dancing in a smelly bar filled with cigarette and marijuana smoke and a bunch of drunk/high people.

best. night. ever.

i didn't know i loved dancing until now! i think maybe possibly i just became a new person...or rather, the person that i've always known i was is starting to come out.

i freaking love it.

i smell like smoke and i'm going to bed.
ohmygosh i've never been this ridiculously happy in my life.

self preservation

2009-12-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

There comes a time when you have to stop. You have to stop worrying and start sleeping. You have to stop obsessing and start devoting your time to those right in front of you.
I should've done this a long time ago.

I'm not sure I can do it now. It's a lot easier said than done.

Regardless, I'm going to try.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" --unknown

peace.

2009-11-22T17:19:00.001-08:00

Nooma-Rain-Rob Bell

here we go again...

2009-11-20T09:56:00.000-08:00

This week has actually been pretty good, though yesterday was not quite what I expected and I didn't enjoy most of it. Thanksgiving break is almost here and that means this semester is almost over. Thank God.

Tuesday night I went home from work crying, for what I thought was no reason. On the drive home (which takes all of five minutes) I was sobbing so much that my body was shaking. It was awful. So I decided to keep driving until I could compose myself. While I was driving around Springfield, unable to see well with tears in my eyes (not such a great idea), I realized why I was crying, and why I've been crying for the last several months.

I was raised to believe that if you do not have a relationship with Jesus and have not accepted him into your life, you are going to go to hell. Period. That's it. No ifs ands or buts. End of story.
Working with high-risk youth, I have begun to think about things a lot differently, and I've been exposed to things that make this belief I had for 18 years stop adding up. I cannot reconcile the thought that these kids are going to go to hell because I cannot see how any kid that has grown up with physical, emotional, sexual abuse and addiction and poverty can think of anything else as normal.
Christianity is middle-class white man's religion. It isn't for the poor because it doesn't speak to the lives that this population live. I mean, if I had grown up with parents who smoked pot and drank on a daily basis, who didn't see a problem with premarital sex, who found it okay to call their kids names and yell when they didn't get what they wanted, I wouldn't realize that these things aren't normal. I wouldn't change my lifestyle, because I wouldn't know any better.
And on top of that, if I had grown up with all of that abuse, I wouldn't see a problem with engaging in destructive behaviors to cope with these things--because that is all that I would have ever been taught to do.

So how can God send these kids to hell?

That's my question. How can God send them to hell for committing "sins" that they didn't know any better than to commit?

Driving my car down National, yelling at God at the top of my lungs, I tried to deal with this harrowing question which, when answered, would mean one of two things: either I would have to deal with the fact that everything I had ever grown up believing and invested in and "preached" was wrong, or I would have to deal with the fact that these kids that I love are going to go to hell.

After a lot of pondering and a lot of talking to people, I have decided that the first of those two options is what is going to happen. I don't believe everything I once did--though right now I couldn't exactly tell you what that means... I'm trying to figure it out.
And taking myself out of the chains that society's version of Christian thought put on me has actually been quite freeing. I've been happy this week for the first time in a long time. I've enjoyed going to work and I've felt successful in my job.

Of course, with all the good things happening, it just wouldn't be right if I got out scot free. Last night was quite heartbreaking as one of my kids whom I hadn't seen in several weeks came back into my life. So, we'll see what happens with that.

like a rolling stone

2009-10-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

I just saw Bob Dylan live.
I can die now.

Man...that man is intensely amazing.

2009-10-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

there's a young woman that i know who may be the most impressive person i've ever met. i can't even begin to tell you all of the reasons why, only that she has faced more in seventeen years than most will face in seventy, and she's my shining star.
last night i had a long talk with her which ended with us talking about addiction. she's a recovering addict, and i'm addicted to the idea of breaking addictions--fitting then, eh? it was the first time i'd talked to her about addiction and i found myself saying these words, "i confuse myself, because part of me wants to work with addicts so that i can help them succeed, and part of me is so freaking frustrated that i don't ever want to see another addict. i've never even used drugs, and i just don't understand addiction."
this beautiful girl put it to me like this--and i think it may have been the most perfect analogy ever used. she said,:
think of it like this--say you are on the sidewalk and you see a little girl in the street. you know that she is about it get run over, what do you do? you would do everything in your power to make sure that little girl didn't get run over, right? you'd even jump out in front of that car to save her, if it meant that you died.
well that's what it's like with an addict and their addiction. the addict sees their addiction as you see that little girl. they will do anything to save their addiction, even if it means that they lose everything.

this is frustrating. but it makes more sense than anything i've ever heard.

it's raining today

2009-10-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

The shortness of life, I keep saying, makes everything seem pointless when I think about the longness of death. When I look ahead, all I can see is my final demise. And they say, But maybe not for seventy or eighty years. And I say, Maybe you, but me, I'm already gone.

--Elizabeth Wurtzel Prozac Nation

2009-10-12T22:05:00.001-07:00

if it's all the same to you, i enjoy this and i wish it were true.

also, you should check out my friends the mariner. good tunes.

sleep woes

2009-10-10T13:27:00.000-07:00

well, this week was extremely difficult but the weekend is completely making up for that.

tuesday at work was very challenging and left me wishing i had done things for the last two months a bit differently in more than one way. i know i'm doing my best, but sometimes i wish my best was a bit more aware of it's surroundings and a bit more empathetic.
i came home on tuesday night with a mind that wouldn't shut up for anything and laid down in bed only to be so restless that my night didn't end until three o'clock that morning. but i was up and off to classes by nine thirty that wednesday. and then to work.
work on wednesday was fine, i was just extremely tired and making myself sick with worry slightly. (i know this fact may worry some people, but it's the truth--and it doesn't happen all that often, so don't freak--i'm okay) but i had a successful trip to the nursing home with some youth and one of the best conversations i've had in my life with one of my kids, so wednesday was just fine. regardless, that night i came home to more restlessness and, once again, my eyes didn't close until three, finally.
thursday was not so nice. i was mostly a zombie and since one class was canceled, i thought i'd take a nap, but i couldn't even do that. sleep would not come, so i watched some of my all time favorite television show (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia--geniusness in itself). off to work then, at 2, and things were okay. on the other hand, i had a test on Friday in Abnormal Psych and i had, knowingly, put my studying off until Thursday night, so i was sure i'd be up until the wee hours of the morning once again.
late in the evening, my boss informed me that the overnight worker at our transitional living program had called in and asked if i wanted to fill it. so that night i got paid to study, but i didn't get off work until 4 am and i didn't fall asleep until 5:30.
i think i failed my test on friday. i thought i would take a nap afterward, but i couldn't do that either. so i went to work on three hours of sleep. i sat around most of the night and left at seven to go out with a friend. that didn't happen so i took a thirty minute nap (finally!) and went to a friend's house to watch movies.
i came home and tried to fall asleep but i sure couldn't do that. my roommate came in and i talked to her until one-ish and fell asleep at about two.

talk about issues.

so, i think i figured out, though, what my problem is. it's my bed. every night that i couldn't sleep, i came to the couch and slept on it. i can't sleep in my bed. and i'm not sure what to do about it, because i can't get a new one. it's not a reasonable suggestion.

anyway, i slept fine last night and took a nap today, but i hope this issue goes away because i can't handle another week like that.

this weekend i've gotten to see a bunch of people that i love and hardly get to see, so i'm happy. and yet, i'm feeling strange as usual. no telling what's going on in my head...

hmm

2009-10-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

let go? or dive in deeper?

i don't think i'm doing enough.
Tell her something true, when all she's known are lies.Tell her God loves her.
Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses.
All these things are true.

what if you've done this, and it didn't work?
when do you give up? or do you ever?

i can't keep doing this.

empty.

2009-09-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

Something that really frustrates me:
wasted time. wasted effort. waste.

I spent a good 45 minutes talking to someone last night about strategies to get off of drugs, encouraging him to go to treatment, looking up phone numbers for him and NA meetings that he should attend....
I have a sinking feeling that I wasted those 45 minutes.

A few days ago, I pulled a string or two and got a kid into a homeless shelter when he was going to be on the streets that night otherwise. He left the shelter three days later, saying that he'd had enough of their rules...he didn't ask to be locked up....
I wasted so much of my time on that.

I talked to a kid last night who said he needed shelter. I feel like today I will likely waste my time getting him into a program that he'll bail on in a few days.

This is frustrating.

On top of all those concrete examples of time wasted, I feel like, in general, living this life is a big waste of time. I don't get why I'm here--I don't feel like I'm really helping, if there is anything to be helped--this is frustrating.

But something inside me tells me to keep doing this. Keep going to school, keep learning to be a social worker, keep working with the homeless, keep living this life. I don't know why.

And I'm overwhelmed.

I keep thinking about meditation and relaxation strategies. I keep thinking about yoga and deep breathing and just being less stressed. But I don't know where to start in any of this.

My friend Lisa is in India right now and I miss her. She's spending her time learning the art of relaxation. She's learning to just be. I kind of really want that.

alan watts

2009-09-20T15:39:00.001-07:00

Nothing is more creative than death, since it is the whole secret of life. It means that the past must be abandoned, that the unknown cannot be avoided, that "I" cannot continue, and that nothing can be ultimately fixed. When a man knows this, he lives for the first time in his life. By holding his breath, he loses it. By letting it go, he finds it.

"trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth"

2009-09-19T16:17:00.001-07:00

i love saturdays.

and i love rain.

i'm currently reading "The Wisdom of Insecurity" by Alan Watts for my Philosophy class. It's very good.
It must be obvious... that there is a contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity.

For the greater part of human activity is designed to make permanent those experiences and joys which are only lovable because they are changing.

i'm really enjoying my philosophy class. last time we read WEB Du Bois and talked about double consciousness and racism...this time we are reading Alan Watts. We've gone through Socrates, Kant, Kierkegaard, and so on.
i don't even really like philosophy because so much of it seems like it is trying to define things that will never be defineable. i think that is why i like Watts' book so much...because that's what he's saying. You shouldn't waste your time trying to figure out the future or make excuses for the past. You shouldn't try to define things such as "God" and "self" and such, because they are not defineable. they just are.

let it go...

2009-09-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

"daisy, let it go...this fallen world doesn't hold your interest, it doesn't hold your soul...daisy, let it go..."

i have spent this saturday morning moping and sleeping and numbing myself with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and ice cream. i've been trying to forget, trying to let things go, trying to move on with my life, but i have this innate ability to lie to myself and pretend i'm forgetting for a few moments, only to be bombarded by the very thoughts i want to forget less than 2.5 seconds later. it's amazing, really. and frustrating.

this has been an extremely emotional week for me, and what makes it horrible is that the beginning of the week was wonderful--free of pain and beating myself up and raw emotion--i was living in fantasy world. and even friday morning, i dealt with the bulk of the emotional turmoil on wednesday night and thursday (or so i thought) and friday morning was beautiful. i was happy and content and could deal.
it didn't stay that way.

all of the pain in the world was laid on my shoulders on friday night. pain that i never wanted to see or feel or touch or take on. pain that no one should ever have to experience. and i can't deal with it, but i can't let it go.

sometimes i wonder why god let me have this job that i have because he knew that i would be the sort of person that would try to take on the burdens of my clients. i am overly empathetic and it really gets me into trouble. try dealing with second hand PTSD from sexual abuse, physical abuse, drug use, violence, etc. try dealing with first hand ptsd and you may not survive--but imagine trying to cope with second hand post traumatic stress disorder from the experiences of a good seventy or eighty teenagers who have all lived through their own versions of hell.
it sucks.

so i'm sitting on my couch in my pajamas at two o'clock on saturday afternoon because i can't deal. i can't let these things go and realize that i am not the one who should be in pain. hell, i don't want to have this pain--it would be great if i could just appreciate the painless life i am living and not worry about it, but that's not my heart. my heart has this seeming obligation to try to relieve the pain of others by taking it on myself--to know that someone is suffering with you is more comfort than you might imagine (or so i like to think).

i'm listening to this switchfoot song and thinking, yes, let it go, okay, that would be lovely...but what if you can't? what then?

i feel heartless if i am to turn my back to the struggles of these kids. i feel like i'm not doing my job--because i'm not. but if i don't turn my back completely then i can see and seeing is enough to ruin me. because once i've gotten a glimpse, i go all the way--and then i end up where i am right now.

this happens too often.

this will burn me out.

but i can't fix it.
because i don't want to.

stained glass sentiments

2009-08-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

i took this picture in baltimore.
it was the last day we were there and we had probably walked a total of forty five miles in the five days before. i was exhausted, and we were in an art gallery.
now, i love art, but my feet hurt so bad that morning. so i found this stained glass window, in this dark little corner...and there was a bench in front of it, so i sat down. i was behind this sort of wall, all alone and at complete peace.
i tend to remember certain feelings from the past and desire deeply to be back to when i felt those feelings the deepest. i felt an intense peace while sitting in this art gallery that day, and i wish i could feel it again.
for the past several months, i've been running and running to get to where i need to be and accomplish everything i need to accomplish. i love what i've been doing, but i'm exhausted. i wish i could just sit down and bask in the colorful light of this stained glass window for long enough to rest my weary soul.

come, all you who are weary, and i will give you rest.

i really like this quote...

2009-08-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

"you may see me only as a drunken, vice-ridden gnome whose friends are just pimps and girls from the brothels. but i know about art and love, if only because i long for it with every fiber of my being."

and i went to the icthus bbq last niht and decided that i freakin miss bonnie and lisa more than i thouht i would. it's weird that people have moved on and i'm still here. i've never really enjoyed that feelin...

and my abcdef hijklmnop key isn't workin today. suck.

good morning, baltimore

2009-08-11T08:17:00.001-07:00

well, in forty eight hours i'll be on a Greyhound bus, headed to Baltimore.
this may be the best eight days of my life.

for the last few weeks of work, all i've been able to talk about is this trip and how excited i am to get out of this town. i still am really excited, but the closer it gets, the more i realize i'm going to miss work and those kids a lot. i can't imagine how much i'm going to miss out on...it scares me.
i feel like i'm needed there and i'm going to bail on them when they need me the most. i hate that. i've always hated that. but, at the same time, i think that if i didn't take a vacation, i'd probably die or something. i'm just getting so worn out, burn out, don't care.

anyway, i didn't realize that Baltimore was the home of Billie Holiday. i freaking love her and have decided that one of my goals is to find some serious good jazz music in the city. also, i can't wait to see the Harbor, and go shopping at the farmer's market, and see all the history of that city. i'm also gonna head over to Ace of Cakes and get my sister a t-shirt...because i've been threatened with death if i do not. haha. and i think we are going to Washington DC for a day or two.

man...it's going to be the best week of my life! adventure, here i come!

promising.

2009-08-02T22:14:00.001-07:00

it's been a difficult summer...

but i think august is going to be amazing.

2009-07-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

So last night a man came into the center and I was immediately catching him at the door, wondering how I could help him. People who aren't familiar are a bit not welcome at first, for me, because I am nervous as to what they want.
I asked this man what I could help him with and he said, "Well, we are just waiting outside for some friends so we can go evangelize and I was staring in here so I thought I'd just come see what this place was."
Now, I love telling people what we do at the Breed. It's one of my favorite things. But this man just made me uncomfortable. I had visions of him saying "We'd like to evangelize in here" and I couldn't handle that. Regardless, I told him about the center, he took some brochures, and he went back outside.
I was sitting on the couch after that and the man and his crew were still standing outside waiting. One of my kids asked me who this man was and I told him about the evangelizing crew. He said, "I believe in Jesus and all that stuff, but I don't really go for the whole catching people on the street and talking to them about God."

I used to be someone who would hand out tracts and find any possibility to evangelize but I guess I've completely changed. I don't think I would ever want to do something like that again. Don't get me wrong, I believe in Jesus and all that stuff but...I don't think talking to random people on the street is quite the way to go about "winning new believers to Christ."

I could rant on and on about this, but I'm more fascinated with how much I've changed in the last few years. I'm proud of myself. I'm growing up and living a life that I'm happy with and doing what I love--loving people. Yeah...I've left a whole lot of crap behind--stuff that maybe I need to face and fix, but I don't care. I'm moving on and I don't want to have to deal with that stuff/those people anymore. I'm proud of myself, whether that's a sin or not, and I can't wait to see how I evolve in the next few years.

rant

2009-06-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been saying that if I could have anything in the world, it would be for treatment centers to do intakes 24-hours a day. Within the last two weeks, we've had two kids express interest in going to treatment and no way to get them into one because intakes stop at 5 pm.
Recovery isn't on a schedule. It starts when it wants to and it stops just as quickly. How many kids shout "treatment!", get no help, and end up using later than night because they have no other options?
It makes me sick to think that these kids could have completely missed their opportunity to be clean and clear-minded. It makes me really sad.
Let me illustrate:
Horace* comes in at about 7. He's looked ragged and, to my naive eyes, possibly under the influence. I approach him, as I'm starting to enjoy confrontation, apparently. I ask him what's up and he tells me he got beat up by the cops last night for sleeping in a public place. More like, passing out drunk in a public place, but it's all relative. Too much alcohol in his system, and God knows what else. I tell him, Horace, it looks to me like this is it. Now or never. Do you want to get rid of this addiction? Do you want to go to treatment?
He says yes, possibly only because he's tired of sleeping on the streets and wants a warm bed and three meals a day. But he says yes. So I call. And I call and call and call. No luck. No medicaid means fewer options. No insurance means few beds. And it's 8 pm. NO INTAKES.
We send Horace back home on a bus. Give him the treatment number, tell him to call tomorrow morning. I don't think Horace called on his own. Do you know where we were sending him? Back to marijuana city. Back to "let's pop some pills, man" every time he turns around. He probably didn't even have time to realize what was happening.
Though I may never know the true anser, I have my suspicions, and I don't think he made it to treatment. At this point, maybe he never will. Not to be a pessimist, but that's how it works. Give up. Get high. Lose it all.
And it happened again. Jack* may have called today, I sure as hell hope that he did. He was ready. That makes this one worse. Horace may have just wanted a bed and three meals, but Jack was ready last night. He was actually ready to do this on his own. Being forced to go to treatment means 28 days of shelter and back to the streets and using. Jack was done with all of it last night and was ready to be clean for real.
But we couldn't do it for him las night. So it's up to him today. I hope he called. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
Maybe I'll just have to change the system....stupid treatment centers don't do intakes after 5 pm...

*obviously names have been changed, yada yada yada...

i can see that, God, You're moving...

2009-06-23T04:57:00.000-07:00

It's 7 AM and I should either not be awake right now, or doing homework/various projects for work.
I'm exhausted and it's only Tuesday.
I've been reading the blogs of my friends who have made trips to foreign countries this summer and I am a bit jealous. But then I've realized that my summer here in Springfield may have been more eventful than anyone else's in the world. And that's my entire life.
I almost left my job at the center. I almost left it and moved to another position in my organization. Thank goodness my boss knows things better than I do. I mean, I volunteered to take the other position, as I knew that we needed someone experienced for it, but I could have never left my babies. And on the heels of that decision I have experienced some seriously amazing things, and witnessed some ridiculously horrible ones. And it's only been two days.
I must have a vendetta against a particular family. I have called social services on them twice. I'm not sure if I should admit that, or even be talking about it in a blog, but it kills me. I really don't at all want their family to be torn apart. Taking kids away from their parents, however horrible their parents are, is not something that makes me very happy. But the things this child has told me and the things I've witnessed are despicable. Appalling. Completely and totally wrong.
I never thought I'd be hotlining anything. I never thought I'd have the opportunity to save the life of a child or to send them into a really awful situation. I'm honestly not sure if I still want that opportunity. It's sucks being exposed to this stuff. It's like living in a hell that I never thought possible...and I'm only exposed for eight hours a day. My babies have to suffer through it every moment.
I'm seeing that things are changing though. Maybe not very quickly, and maybe not even for everyone, but this is a season of good news, at my outreach center. Kids are getting jobs, they are enrolling in high school and college and beginning GED prep. They are learning to take responsibility for themselves and I get to be a part of all of it. Oh the places they'll go when they finally embrace their power to change things for themselves for the better.
I'm so glad I'm not leaving my home. I could never replace this job and what it has done for me...and I don't ever want to leave...

sadness

2009-03-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

A lot of Christians do a horribly awful job of being Christ-like.

"I was in jail for one year. For a while I was locked in this room for twenty three hours during the day. I only got one hour outside....I spent it running around a block. And then they put me back in that little room and all they gave me to read was a Bible. I stopped believing in Jesus because of that....I stopped believing in Jesus because I read that Bible so much while I was stuck in that little room."

I really wonder what people are thinking sometimes....
treat someone like they are inhuman...like they mean nothing...like they are worthless....and throw a Bible at them and hope that they become a Christian?

That's not how it works.
And it disgusts me.

I hope the people that are treated like that in the name of God can realize that God would never ever ever treat them like that....not in a million years...not for all eternity. And I hope that we can change their minds.

2009-03-01T17:53:00.000-08:00

sometimes i do things that i regret, and i say things that i wish had never come out of my mouth.

but when it comes to this,
i don't regret it.

vulnerability is horrifying.
but i'd do it again.

You are Strong and You Love Me.

2009-02-22T14:02:00.000-08:00

I think its funny how God takes the most random situations and completely envelops them in His love.
Last night I was at an open mic night at this coffee shop that is like a second home to me. I was sitting at a table with a bunch of people, playing Apples to Apples, and we decided to take a break and listen to one of the performers. The entire day, and really, the entire week before yesterday, had been spent in one of my cycles of constant worry. I get this way, this need to be in control, this constant over-analyzation of every situation in my life, often, and my goal is always to give control to God. That doesn't happen easily, hence the fact that I am constantly in this situation.
Anyway, that has defined my life lately, and in everything I'm finding it difficult to give up control.

I was sitting at this table, being among friends, being bogged down with worry and wonder, not even thinking about the God that has created every situation in my life, and is working it all out, when He said, "Hey Sienna...I've still got it under control...still got it...."
And the person we'd paused to listen to performed this song:

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

this song has been a constant reminder of God's love, ever since I heard it for the first time.
it blows me away that, even when my mind is so obviously elsewhere, God speaks truth into my life...He doesn't give up and get frustrated even though its been several months since He first gave me this truth and I still can't understand it. He just speaks, quietly and constantly. He speaks.

learning to deal.

2009-02-17T22:05:00.000-08:00

i didn't know it happened. i didn't believe it existed. and then i saw it with my own eyes. a less-than-sixteen-year-old girl...a more-than-forty-year-old man...a truck...money...an absolutely disgusting transaction.
she's a baby. he's taking advantage of her. and it happens every day. i can't get my head around it...and i don't ever want to. that's the sickest thing i've ever heard.
if only i could tell her what i know to be the absolute truth:
YOU ARE VALUABLE.
You are worth so much more than you can even imagine. You can't put a price on it. You can't sell yourself, because no one could ever pay enough for you. No one except for Him. And he's already paid it. Just accept his payment....and LIVE.
Live. Live a life that is healthy and full of love. Live a life that doesn't leave you feeling like you are worthless every day.

these days are painful and difficult.....

and i don't see them getting better in this life.

passion.

2009-01-07T21:11:00.000-08:00

i think passion is contagious.
i mean, you can be passionate about anything, and as long as you are passionate, someone will jump on the bandwagon with you. someone will want to feel that same passion.
passion is something that we all want to feel. we all want to be completely invested in something...to be head over heels for someone...and we don't even really care what or who it is. if someone else is sharing their passion about something, then we automatically want that same feeling in our own lives...no matter what the cost.
i see kids at work that have boyfriend after boyfriend, relationship after relationship. they are addicted to the intensity...they don't even care who the person is after a while. it makes me so sad...it really just kills me. relationships were meant to be three parts: intimacy, committment, and passion. to these kids, all they need is one...all they need is passion...all they need is "love."
it's awfully heartwrenching to watch these girls go through guy after guy after guy. and its difficult for me to relate to...but i see it in other areas of my life. all i want is passion for something. new music after new music, movie after movie...cause after cause...all i want is something to fight for. something to call my own.
it blows my mind to think that i have the thing most worth fighting for with me constantly...and yet i never fight for Him. i stand back and watch the world walk all over Him...and do nothing. i have no passion.
i keep talking about how i just want to love these kids at work until they are sick of me...i want to love so intensely...but i have yet to see that happen, i think. i mean, don't get me wrong, i love them to death...but i could be so much more passionate about it.
i think that's what needs to happen, as far as my relationship with God is concerned. i mean, i could read the Bible until my eyes popped out of my head...i could pray until i had no words left to say...but passion means action. if i'm going to talk about having this passion...i've got to show it.
and oh how i want to show it. my biggest new year's resolution: love intensely, applies directly to this part of my life...to work...to the most beautiful place in all of this town. i just want to share God's love with these kids. His accepting, respectful, beautiful, ridiculously overwhelming, enthralling love.

happy new year.

2009-01-05T18:32:00.000-08:00

oh man, it's 2009. holy cow, batman....i can't believe it!
i have a million and a half new years resolutions this year. seriously. and they aren't things i've sat down and thought out so much...they just are, and they just need to happen. everybody's saying it, 2009 is the year for change. I agree...and I'm not being left behind.
i think the most important thing that I want to do in this new year is this: LOVE INTENSELY. i'm about to get this permanently written on my skin...so i think i should probably start living it. and to live it means to completely change a lot of things about myself. but i'm excited...i'm excited to learn this no-holds-barred Love that was given to me to give to others.

this last semester was great. i made some of the best friends i'll ever had and had some of the best experiences ever. on the other hand, i think this spring may turn out to be ridiculously difficult. working, and taking some of my hardest classes yet, and hopefully staying involved in Icthus, and building relationships...and loving without boundaries. difficult.
i'm scared and excited and ready to begin. and it all starts tomorrow...

a prayer.

2008-11-20T22:47:00.000-08:00

God,
thank you so freaking much for brothers and sisters. thank you for talks that go beyond casual hello and goodbye, and look at the heart. thank you for love that crosses all boundaries, and doesn't care about awkwardness or seeming-irrelevance.
i know now that you have me on this earth for a purpose. that i shouldn't feel useless or like i am accomplishing nothing, and i shouldn't wish to be with you just yet, because i am here for a reason. i know now that you are love, and that you love through me. that i am nothing important, except a vessel of your love and your goodness, and that is, perhaps, the most important thing in the world.
i want to seek you with reckless abandon. i want to love you more than i love anything else. i want to stop caring about worldly ideals, and start caring about sharing your intense desire for interaction with humanity with the world. i want to love you completely. i want to know everything there is to know about you.
don't give up on me, okay? sometimes i just lose heart...but i know that i shouldn't. thank you for the encouragement of a brother. thank you that i can take heart, for you have overcome all of the sadness and darkness that is in this world.
keep working through me. as much as i hate to acknowledge it, you really are. you really are. please don't stop because i can't live without you. you are my everything. be my everything.
help me not to lose sight of you...not to focus on "Jesus things" and stop focusing on "Jesus".
i can't tell you how thankful i am for your love and for those that love me with your everlasting love. i can't tell you how much i love you. i want to live that love. i want to be that vessel. live in me. be.

your daughter always.

i still feel You, everywhere.

2008-11-11T06:34:00.000-08:00

the storm doesn't wait for suitors. it bursts through like an angry bride content to take her own and leave those with nothing to offer. the storm doesn't wait for anyone. and it shouldn't wait for me.
perhaps the breaking of the wind should warn me. too stubborn for signal flares, i disregard the most obvious of omens. i am alone, that is what i believe, and the storm should have nothing of me, because i have nothing to offer.
but here i am, in the storm. the eye is upon me, and silence is my only clue. it is here that i find my loneliness most evident. it is here that i am completely and utterly alone, with my thoughts as my only company. and it is here that hope is void.
yet something in the drops of rain catches my attention at the most unobvious point. nothing worth remembering, i think. nonetheless, there it is, a face. a face with no accusation, only intensity to the uttermost. a face that pains itself at my every move...at my every loneliness.
the storm doesn't wait for suitors, and, it seems, i shan't either. i'll not wait for him, because i know he'll never come. because i doubt his mere existence. because i do not believe our God.
yet something in the air brushes against my skin, and i am here again, shallow and lonely and waiting. like a tumbleweed, tossed by the winds of insecurity, one moment is confidence--the other nothing of the sort. perhaps my bones are less valuable than i once thought. perhaps i have nothing to offer to, not only the storm, but anyone. perhaps the storm--the raging, violent, indiscriminate storm--will not have me because i am worthless. and perhaps that is why you do not exist--because i am worthless alone.
final solutions are completely useless when i have no reason to think that i deserve them. to wander, to please others only, to offer myself utterly to the storm, and to not be accepted--this is life. this is life inside the storm.
the storm doesn't wait for suitors, and when it passes across this dry land, it will not carry me. to call myself cursed because of this occurrence, is to say that i am human. even the storm will leave me, in the end, and i will be alone with no one to offer my feeble possessions.
a second passes, and it is over. the storm is impatient, and gone before i can blink my eye. content to loneliness, perfectly fine without the intensity that was found in the drops of that storm, my eyes survey the canvas that i lie upon. to my surprise, though the storm has left me, you have not.
you who did not exist, now only you exist. i do not exist, because i have nothing to offer alone. but with you, there is everything. with you, there is purpose.
i do not exist, only you exist. and while the storm passes over the rest of the canvas, it is evident that the storm doesn't wait for suitors, and the storm didn't wait for him either.

peace.

2008-11-09T12:23:00.000-08:00

This morning at church we celebrated the Passover.
This morning at church I celebrated the promise and covenant that I am kin to...with my family. My beautiful, dysfunctional, closer than blood-related, new, intensely amazing family.
This morning at church I learned a whole lot about trust and patience.

I'm so impatient. I say often that my two defining characteristics are impatience and awkwardness. Those two things completely define my relationship with Jesus Christ. I can never wait on His time. I can never breathe Him in, relax, and wait. I am impatient. And along with my impatience, I am completely, cluelessly awkward. Its beautiful, really. I embrace it...but it still frustrates me so much.
To be a part of the family of a redeemer so intertwiningly innocent and guilty is something I will never be worthy of. To be a daughter of a God so merciful and full of grace is something I cannot claim as my own decision. It is of Him...it is a blessing...and yet my own unforgiveness doesn't allow me to experience this fully.
Things I cannot seem to forgive myself of: jealousy. hate. judgemental-ness. a holier-than-thou attitude. hypocrisy. The list goes on for miles and miles. I just can't get over these things. To my humble surprise, God has already forgiven me. When I think of that, I know that I am clean and a new creation. But I cannot focus on that thought for long enough. My mind is always back to the blindness that accompanies humanity. I cannot forgive myself.
Without my own forgiveness, I cannot focus on others. She said this morning that she was learning to love herself, because she thinks that is most important. That if you cannot love yourself, who are you to love others? That if you cannot accept forgiveness and redemption, then who are you to testify to it?
I've been learning a lot about trust. Trust God to wash me clean. Trust Him to love me at my worse, and so I must love myself at my worst. Trust that He has a plan, that he knows where I'm going and who's going to be there with me in the end. He won't let me down. He doesn't want to, and He doesn't even really know how. There is no let down in His vocabulary...for everything works together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
Patience is difficult. But I've got some peace these days. Nothing comes easy, but isn't it more beautiful if you wait? I hope so...cus I've been waiting for so long, and I'll continue to wait...until it's Your time.

This morning at church I experienced God among family.
And this morning I learned that good things come to those who wait.

untitled.

2008-11-06T17:49:00.000-08:00

i cannot fathom...the difference between my life and theirs. i cannot fathom what it takes to live like they do...on the streets...in the cold, night after night. i cannot fathom.
they cannot fathom...Your love. God, how do we show them? how will they see You?

twenty minutes talking to a boy about acid trips. forty holding a sleeping baby while her mother anxiously awaited a smoke break. sixty laughing over home-made, biscuit tasting, butter filled, chocolate chip cookies. hours more living a world inside four thin walls that keep out much less than i wish them to. life in the thin confines of a home for the homeless...but this home only lasts eight hours.

where are they going to go at eleven pm? what are they going to do, my God? its freezing...so freaking cold. what keeps them warm at night? alcohol? heroin? meth? their only source of heat is in things so unworthy of their time and energy. its all they know. its all they want to know. because for a little while, it is freedom.

freedom in the shape of a needle, a pill, a joint. but when they wake up tomorrow, where are they? right back to where they started...alone, poor, worthless? do they know how worthy they are? God, show me how to tell them. they don't know of Your love. they haven't seen Your face.

freedom comes only in Your arms...
and this freedom? this freedom, they cannot fathom.
please God, show them.

beauty.

2008-11-02T11:05:00.000-08:00

best church service ever.

okay. completely not the best church service ever...if you can give that title to something. nonetheless, i was exceedingly happy this morning.
i love it because every sunday morning i wake up thinking i'm going to go to one church and i end up at a different one. this morning we were going to the Bacon, but it didn't start until 11:30, and since we were like an hour and a half early, we went to The Front Porch instead.
my Daniel was there. ohhh man....Jesus.....i want to see that kid come to know you more than anything in the world. honest to goodness....that's all i want to see right now, today. i'm so glad he was there, is there.
i've found so many places i could call home. i don't know which to choose. i guess, next sunday morning i'll just wake up and know. that seems to happen.

anyway, i just really wanted to say thanks, because i can see the possibilities. and because i know You are in control. i'm sorry i'm a jerk sometimes. thanks for loving me anyway.

oh...what a beautiful life...i can't wait to see what comes next....

2008-10-30T21:12:00.001-07:00

As for being patient,
it's getting old.

God.
You know.
You've freaking been here. You've been through this.
I'm sorry, slightly, that I'm so angry at You.
I'm sorry I'm so intensely selfish and wrong.
That I doubt. Have no faith in this.
But.....
You said it yourself.
You said it yourself.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Well...I've been delighting myself in You.
You can't deny that.
I freaking love you with everything inside of me.
But this loneliness.
This overwhelming desire for something more...
I can't do it anymore.
You know the desire of my heart.
PLEASE, God.

As for being patient,
its freaking getting old.

I've gotta crucify myself if I am gonna believe You.

2008-10-26T14:53:00.001-07:00

I didn't ever think prayer was worthwhile. Honest to goodness, I wondered for so long just who in the heck I was talking to, and why on earth I thought He was listening to me. It just didn't jive, in my mind. Why couldn't I see Him, if He was there, I mean?
But something has drastically changed. It turns out that everything I do is a prayer. Every action I complete is a grasp for a God that is so much bigger and so much closer than I'd ever known. And some things are better illustrated than explained:

Thought processes ingrained in my brain from infancy speak of inferiority. I'll never be good enough. But I'm learning, it's being shown to me time and again, that this isn't the case. And as I bout with these thoughts day in and day out, I pray to this God that I believe in. I pray that maybe He'll take this away. But it doesn't happen.
On the other hand, something happens. Something always happens.
We went to Barnabas yesterday. Summer camp, year-round retreat center. We went expected to tear down a cabin or two and be on our way. I didn't realize that revolution would occur. And I didn't realize that revolution was a continuous thing. It never ends.
Destruction. Demolishing. We tore that place up. A cabin and a half in about five hours? No joke. As I pried up the floorboards with a crowbar, and sledge-hammered the crap out of that roof, I was destroying those thoughts. I was so excited about it. So proud. So wrong.
Later that evening, after a full, hard day of work, they came back. They always come back. I hadn't even been close to beating that demon. I hadn't even been close. I was so depressed, you know? I was so down after that, because nothing ever works. They always come back, because I can't beat them.
But as processes go, there was another step to be taken. I decided at about 9:45 this morning that I was going to Emmaus...which started at 10:30. I don't really do things like that. I'm a planner, and my decisions are normally concrete several hours in advance. But not this morning. I wasn't sure why, but I just needed to be at Emmaus. So we went.
From the first note of the piano, sole instrument, to the last tear I shed...this morning was perfection. Renewal. It's all about renewing. God promises it. He is making all things new. As much as I hate to admit it, I am not in control. I can't destroy these thoughts on my own.
God, I am amazed. I spent yesterday tearing the world down. Tearing every stupid silly thing in my head to the ground, only to have it come back full force. But now I know. You tear the stuff down. You destroy it. Not I. You promise renewal, because You know that it is what we long for. A new heaven and a new earth. New hearts, not broken. New minds, not stolen by evil. New bodies, not completely usless.
It's a process...because these things will come back. But prayer does work. It works wonders...because it's His goal to make all things new. How amazing.

When we arrive at eternity's shore,
where death is just a memory and tears are no more.
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring,
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful.

I'm learning that constantly.
You're beautiful.

I see Your face, You're beautiful.

Now that you're home, won't you rescue me? I've been trying so hard to be good.

2008-10-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not so sure.
I'm not so sure that these earthly desires go away so easily. I give my life to You every day. Every single freaking day. Or at least I think I do...so, why then, do I still struggle with these silly issues...this one silly issue? Why can't You be enough for me?
I'm completely, utterly desperate for You. I want ALL of You, and nothing less.
Why is this so hard?

Can I just talk it out?

It's like this, okay? I am a college girl. I am a girl. I have this thing like ingrained in my mind that says I need a guy. And then Jesus is like, wait....no. No. You have ME. I AM. I am enough. Maybe someday in the future, you will have a guy to be there beside you...but he cannot and will not ever be ME. I AM.
So, I'm like, okay, Jesus. I completely agree. You are enough. I don't really neeeeed a guy. So, I'll just like, serve You, okay? And it'll be good.
And then, ten seconds later, I'm like....Hmm...I could marry that guy. Or that one. Or that one or that one or that one. What happened to the You being enough thing? Yeah...I don't know.
I feel like Paul, when he was like "Hey guys...I'm human. I'm striving and loving and living this out with my entire heart, but I suck because I'm human and so my inborn nature to sin keeps kicking me in the face." Well this crap keeps kicking me in the face too, Paul.
Jesus. How do I fight this? How does my life become JUST about YOU. Nothing else?
........................................................................

Coolest Thing Ever.

2008-10-23T21:03:00.001-07:00

So, the campus organization that I'm involved in, Icthus, does this thing called Club. It's like a worship service. It's amazing. Every time I come home, I say "geez, man, that was the coolest thing ever." Seriously...
Anyway, tonight this cool guy named Tyler Eads spoke. "He is jealous for me." That was basically the title of the whole thing. Honestly, I'd never thought of that. Like, He's really seriously angry, jealous when I give my eyes, my love, my devotion to anything else.
But that's not the point of this blog. The point is, I was walking home, thinking about how, as much as I want to see my God face to face right now, I don't think I want to give this up. This...life. This...seeing the love of Christ in the faces of those around me. This growing in faith every single day. I mean, yes, heaven will be way better so I'm totally cool with going there anytime. But I LOVE this so much.
I think when Jesus was on the earth, He was walking around hanging out with these guys, talking about God's love, talking about faith and redemption and the immense love of the Father, and I'm not sure that He really wanted to give it all up. I mean, I don't think He wanted to go and forfeit all the things He could've accomplished, had He stayed longer.
But He gave it up....for me. I'm not sure that I'd give it up willingly...even for heaven. Honestly. That's insane to me. That, right there, is how much He loves us. Oh how He loves us. Oh how He loves.
He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree...bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of this affliction eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

God,
Is it possible for me to love You more? I want to show it. I want to live this love.
Thank you....SO MUCH...for this life....for everything....but I'm willing to give it up in an instant, for You. Because as much as You are jealous for me, I LOVE YOU.
Your daughter...always.

You'd Break Your Neck to Keep Your Chin Up.

2008-10-22T19:35:00.001-07:00

Breakin' out the old blog again....

Today was probably one of the best days I've had in a few weeks. Okay...I say that often...but it was amazing.
I have an assignment for my Substance Abuse Intervention class to interview a social worker that works specifically in the field of Substance Abuse. Today I went and interviewed a woman that works at Carol Jones Recovery Center here in town.
WOW.
This woman was...so strong. She's been through so freaking much; I am amazed at her strength and her ability accept the past and learn from it. I'm so dang excited to write this paper. I could see it forming in my mind while she was talking...ohh man...its going to be good. Passion. She has passion. I LOVE IT!
And Rare Breed today...ohh gosh. Rare Breed Youth Outreach Center has absolutely stolen my heart. Those kids (a lot of whom are older than me...) are BEAUTIFUL. Amazing. Wow. I can't describe. Thank God for that place...
Basically, I can't even wait to get out into the world and be helping people instead of sitting in a classroom all day. I can't wait!

A quote from my interview, and then I'm off. I'll hopefully be updating this more these days...I need a place to vent sometimes.

This quote is talking about the women that come into Carol Jones Recovery Center, but...I think it is so much a description of all of us sometimes. We all need someone. We need eachother. We are fighting and scratching and clawing our way into acceptance...into an acceptance that is numbing and cold and completely not what we expected it to be. But all along, we are hoping for someone to care about us...to care about who we are and what we need and what we feel...

"They are broken, wounded, hopeless, helpless...They come in here hoping to God that someone is there who is going to give a shit."

Fireworks, lightening bugs, and memories.

2008-07-04T19:11:00.000-07:00

It's the Fourth of July. Good ol' Independence Day. Doesn't that make you want to sing some Martina McBride, pull out your grillin' supplies, and light up the charcoal?
It's independence day, here in the United States...but I spent the evening speaking of shackles...speaking of darkness and prison. I spent the evening telling my family of Spain. And it wasn't until I spoke the words that I realized the darkness for myself.
I pray for Spain. I pray that there is a revolution. This root of all that is Christianity to me has completely disregarded the hope and the love that is the salvation of Jesus Christ. The resurrection...the tearing of the curtain...the freedom. It has all been cast aside for the comfort of tradition and repetition and conformation.
Do not conform any longer to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of Christ.
I hope you know that I am praying for you. You can be the revolution. I can see it in your eyes...I can see the love and the hope that you have. I am praying for you every day. It will happen. There will be beauty once again. You will see the beauty of Spain just like I saw the beauty...the darkness will be gone. Someday.
I hope you know.
I hope so.

2008-03-29T09:24:00.001-07:00

4 AM, two hours to go....i'm staring at a lonely road...
i've got my hands...at redemption's side...

they didn't play that song last night. but...switchfoot was amazing, anyway.

i feel so funny this morning. like...i really can't describe it.
last night was fabulous. i can't believe it happened. i got to hear jamie tworkowski speak. and switchfoot...live....unbelievably beautiful.
right now i just keep wishing that someday i'd be able to do something as impactful as what these guys are doing. i dream of changing the world. i know i can't do it on my own, but i desperately want to be involved. i desperately want people to know how much they are loved. and i feel so confined right here...i feel like i have no way to tell people these things. like, like no one can hear my voice. i wish people could hear my voice. i wish people could feel my heart.
i don't know if it'll ever happen. i don't know if i'll ever be able to do the things i dream of. that scares me too. because if i don't do these things, tell people about Jesus and love and life and hope, then i'll be a failure.
i don't know if they'll ever happen. and it's very difficult to wait and see.

i've got my hands...at redemption's side...who's scars are bigger than..these doubts of mine...i'll put all of these monstrosities inside...and come alive...

thoughts.

2008-03-15T13:19:00.001-07:00

--I want to see the world. I have huge dreams. I just want it to be my turn.
That is what I think, every day. Every day, when I wake up, I wish that it was my turn to do something. To be someone.
I’m learning, more and more every day, that it is my turn.
--Music is so powerful. It can move you. It can make you passionate...it can change you. I want to use music...somehow...to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do with my life. It’s so powerful.
--I’m writing a memoir. You shall be in it, maybe. It’s going to take a while. Wait for it. It’ll be....something.
--My heart cries out for some people...but so many times, I feel as if I have no words to say to them. I want them to know the truth...the love...but I can’t seem to speak it. I’m trying, but it’s difficult.
Lately I’ve been very caught up in a regret. A missed chance to share love that is so very needed in someone’s life. I screwed it up...I feel. But yesterday I was reading an article, and...suddenly, there was peace.
Perhaps the most difficult part was having to leave. He had to trust that God had used him to serve a purpose and that others would follow after him.

Sleeping At Last

2008-03-02T06:51:00.000-08:00

"All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end
Where we begin to understand

That we are made of love
And all the beauty stemming from it
We are made of love
And every fracture caused by the lack of it."

And every fracture caused by it, it seems.

2008-02-13T18:15:00.001-08:00

Spain. I honestly can't believe that God has given me the opportunity to go to Spain. I can't imagine what He has in store. I wonder if it will compare to my last trip. Panama was amazing. I'll never forget it, and nothing will ever match it. I shouldn't compare the two, because they are completely different. Incomparable.
I've finally gotten over the fear of not raising enough money. And I've finally gotten over the nerves of whether or not this is something I should do.
Spain is on my mind.
But there are a million other things on it as well.
I told a friend of mine, today, that it is sometimes hard to remember that I am loved. I speak those words to others constantly, but sometimes I forget that they are for me as well. I wonder how God can love a sinner like myself. I suppose that's a bit selfish, and a bit conceited. I don't sin any more than anyone else. But I hold myself up to sometimes inconceivable standards.
Today, recently, I've been dealing with this thought. Am I really lovable? Am I really worthy?
It's only when I remember that I am not worthy, that I can feel better about the situation. I am never going to be worthy. That is the beauty of grace. Grace can meet you in the most despicable situations, and still love you like you were completely pure. Grace can take the most broken individual and still approach you like you are whole. It doesn't have reservations. It doesn't care who you are...what you've done...where you've been. It just loves you.
Grace gets me through these days. It is my rock. My Jesus...His grace is immeasurable.

A Defining Debate

2008-02-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

It can stir up the angriest reaction, or the most reverent. It can trigger something deep in your soul. It can stand for something all-powerful or it can stand for a million useless things. The word is “God,” the definition, debatable.
As a teenage girl, there are a million things that I find myself putting in the place of God. Music, sports, popularity, money; they all somehow seem to become the definition of God for me at any given moment. They can be what I worship, what I place above everything else, but they are not God.
Our society chases after wealth and security. We worship a lit up picture box most nights of the week during “primetime.” We follow our favorite sports team or celebrity like they are immortal and always perfect. We worship these things like there is nothing better. Do we realize how much better it gets?
God is not the hottest styles at American Eagle, the legend we find in John Lennon or Bob Dylan, or the latest episode of Scrubs. God is not the brand new sound system in your sanctuary, the pretty face you see in the mirror after applying some Cover Girl, or the big paycheck you just received from your corporate job. God is not even the Bible, the Koran, or that golden Buddha. He is not what we find ourselves worshiping because we tend to set our sights too low. He is more than we can ever imagine.
The God I believe in is a God more complex and amazing than any of these things I’ve mentioned thus far. He is a million different things. I couldn’t begin to name them all. But I know that He is a few things that this world is in dire need of. If only we could realize this. If only we could take what He is, and solve the hurts and problems of this world. If only we could agree on His definition.
C.S. Lewis once compared God to a lion. He is “not a time lion,” he said. That is true to an extent. God is anger and wrath and vengeance when His creation is in pain. But that doesn’t make God someone who will bomb innocent civilians just to make a point about the power and greatness of a country. God is revenge, only when He knows nothing else will work. God is not rage, first, because first, He is something so much better.
First, God is love. God is intense, unconditional, and never-ending love. He is love when your husband has just physically abused you. But not only is he love for the victim, God is love for the abuser as well. God can love the most unlovable, the most misunderstood of us all. He loves Mother Teresa just as much as He loves Saddam Hussein. This God loves every single one of us the same.
Not only is God love, but also God is grace and peace and mercy. He is hope and compassion and joy. This is the God that the world needs. This is the definition that could change every hurt and misconception and disbelief. A God that, first and foremost, is about love and equality, and only after exhausting every other resource, then becomes revenge and wrath. This is the definition that will change the world.
We all know how controversial this word is. It has started wars since the beginning of time. It has caused heartache and hardship for millions and billions of people. That is where we have gone wrong. For, if we had only known the true definition of God, the heartache could’ve been prevented. The pain and anger can be replaced with peace and mercy, but only when we agree on His definition.

hokay. so....

2008-02-07T14:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. I'm not Catholic. I don't really know a lot about their traditions. But I do know that Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent. Lent is a 40 day long period where people give up something(s) that is causing them to sin or taking away from their relationship with God.
Like I said, I'm not Catholic. But this year, I'm going to participate in Lent. Or, at least, in my own version of it. You see, lately I've been distracted. Very distracted. I've got senioritis or something...and it's taking away from every aspect of my life. I am apathetic, and lazy. I feel as though this apathy is affecting my relationship with Jesus in a negative way. And I've noticed that ever since Christmas time, I've been apt to run to the TV at the smallest moment of inactivity.
So for Lent, or for whatever I'm doing, I'm giving up TV. This mostly means a few things. I spend about 85% of my time at home in my room. That is where my television is. So now, instead of turning on the TV as soon as I open the door, and ignoring God, and not doing my devotions and being lax in my Sunday school stuff, I'm going to be bored. Ha. This boredom is going to stop my apathy....my senioritis....my ignorance. Or something.
I'm not sure how this is going to work. I'm not sure if it's even going to help anything, but I feel like I should try.
So maybe you should look at your life too. Maybe something is separating you from God...or just keeping you from doing things that you should do [i.e. homework...chores (my bedroom looks like a tornado blew through it!)...whatever].
Let's see what the next 40 days have in store.

peace.

2008-02-05T17:28:00.000-08:00

Three and a half months.
The countdown gets shorter and shorter every day.
Three and a half months, and I'll be on my way out of here.
I've been so concerned with the countdown, that I've forgotten to live. But I'm done with that now. There are three and a half months left of my senior year, and I'm going to live them to the fullest.

Today I discovered something. You see, I've always known that I make mistakes. I make a lot of them, and I am pretty bad at fixing them. I thought I'd ruined something. But today I discovered that God can and will fix my mistakes...in His time.
I'm at peace.
And I'm ready to live.

Ramble.

2008-01-30T16:47:00.000-08:00

There is, perhaps, a strange freedom in my sadness. There is a light, so it seems, at the end of this darkness. I just keep wondering when I'll get there. When will it finally be okay, what you've done to me? When will it ever stop mattering? When will forgiveness be real?
These days, I am happy. I see so much joy in the world, and I know that it is real. It is more real than the haunting pain that turns up when I least expect it. And this joy, it gives me hope. It's my lifeline...because there are times when I'm so far gone, I can't see Him anymore. I just have to remember the joy.
But the happiness...it mocks me. Especially when I see the others with their happy families and their picture perfect lives. Yes, I know their lives aren't perfect either, but I can't see the sadness. I guess they can't see mine. Just as you can't see my sadness. So I don't blame you for forgetting me. It's not your fault that I've become invisible. It's my fault. It's my fault. I don't speak. I can't. Even if I tried...it wouldn't come out right. Believe me. I tried to tell her the other day. I just blew it off. The intensity of it all, I just blew it off.
I've wanted to speak these words since the beginning of forever. I wish you could see me. Do you know? I am not who you think I am. That is only because I'm afraid to let you in. You hurt so many people. You hurt her, more than you can imagine. You took away everything she believed in, you took me away from her. You took us all away from her. That's how I see it. Maybe it's not right, but that's how I see it. I wish I didn't hold it against you. I wish I didn't blame you for running. Maybe that's not how it was. I wasn't there, I don't know.
However it was, whatever led you to leave and take us away, I wish it hadn't been. In the end, what I wish doesn't matter, because it's over and done. But if you could see me, if I wasn't invisible, maybe it would be okay.
Honestly, I know it's difficult to understand this. You are always there. Anyone on the outside would say that you support me in everything. You've been to every game, every event, since I can remember. That's why I don't understand. That's why I'm so confused. You've always been there....and you've never seen me?

We Were Infinite.

2008-01-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

In the beginning, I only remember wanting to graduate. May was too far away, and the sights and sounds of this place too confining. Hearing gossip in the halls made me cringe, and seeing the latest high school romances unfold, only to end in tears, made me wish for a new day. For a while, I imagined the walls of my school closing in on me, day by day. I wasn’t happy here.
The days stopped running together and the walls stopped closing in when I took a look at the faces surround me. There was pain, anger, resentment. There was love, happiness, joy. The faces became real to me, and the people behind them as well. The more time I took to look around me, the more I realized that I had never seen these kids before, and the more I wanted to see them, to know them. Each face became a person, and each person became a story.
The sounds of gossip and silly high school drama began to fade out as the year progressed. More and more, I began to hear the stories of those who I’d be leaving behind. These stories that explained the pain that I saw in their eyes and these stories revealed unseen scars to my listening ears. And along with the pain they allowed me to know, I was able to share in the laughter and love that these kids were experiencing. I noticed that there was a respect in their voices. There was something that taught me that, though I was leaving, they wouldn’t forget me.
When the end of our seventh semester came around, my classmates and I were falling into a routine. We were learning to love and to be there for those younger than us, and for those that had been with us for the last thirteen years. We felt our hearts growing closer and closer as we shared things that cannot be reproduced. Bursts of laughter at the latest inside joke became a staple for our every day spent together. We shared something deep inside that would be there forever. That feeling, that common ground, brought us past our differences. It meant more than the fact that some of us were wearing wranglers, while others donned designer clothes, and still others went for hand-me-downs.
This connection will define us, because it is something every teen longs to learn. We think ourselves invincible at times, but we know that is impossible. It’s when we learn that the words we speak and the love we share will stay with those around us forever, that we are finally complete. All we want is to be infinite, to last, to never die. On the first day of this school year, I realized that these kids I’d known forever would discover the secret of life right alongside me. I realized that our senior year would show us just how much of an impact we’d made. We were going to be remembered. We were infinite.

2008-01-26T11:17:00.000-08:00

People get stuck in moments. Hearts break and don't fix easy. Love is nothing easy. It is not cheap. It is the greatest thing that happens on this planet, and so it comes priced as gold. One of my best friends used to sing the words "love is war". There is the fight for holding on. And the fight for letting go. The hardest thing i have ever experienced is the learning which and when. But i still say it's worth it, that love is real and possible. There are things worth fighting for, and love is at the top of the list...
i would say these things: You are not alone. Your life matters. Your story is important. You are alive tonight for a reason. You were created to love and to be loved. You were not meant to be alone. You are not alone. You were meant to do life with other people. You need people who know you. You need to know people. Your voice matters.--jamie tworkowski.

I was talking to a friend last night. I love this girl, with all of my heart. She said something that made me think, a lot. She said that everyone needs love. Even those kids that seem like they have everything figured out, even those kids need love. I find myself forgetting about those kids, because they act like they don't need anything from me. And maybe they don't need it from me but they need it from someone. And I have it. I should not keep it to myself.

you are loved. you really are.

The Homeless Evangelist.

2008-01-23T18:41:00.000-08:00

This is an article I wrote for RELEVANTmagazine.com
You can check out the real thing here: http://relevantmagazine.com/life_article.php?id=7526

Take a walk with me around the streets of any city in the United States. There are just certain characteristics of these cities that you can’t miss as you walk their streets. Unfortunately, one of these characteristics is the growing number of homeless people. There are people living in alleys, in homeless shelters, everywhere, just scraping to survive. Take a minute to talk to one of these people. His name is Brandt Russo. He is 23, and he lives on the streets … willingly. Yes, willingly. He has chosen to live homeless because he believes that another world is possible. And that world starts with us, followers of Christ, selling everything, dropping everything to follow this radical revolutionary we claim to love.

Here is a piece of Brandt’s story:

Describe a typical day in your life, including how you serve others through your ministry.
A typical day in my life would consist of waking up and doing Pilates. Kidding. I always put on music and pray in the morning, and get into whatever book I’m usually reading (or just the Bible, which is a pretty dang good book too). Lately, I have been working on building the inside of my veggie oil bus; building the kitchen/medical/sleeping area. Every night we leave around 10 to dumpster dive for food, drinks, whatever we can find to serve the poor and homeless in the area. Every evening I usually go with whoever is with me at the time under the bridges and serve the homeless whatever food we end up finding from the dive the night before. Every day varies honestly. I have no idea what I’m going to do from day to day. Some nights I’m sleeping on the streets with the homeless simply because I don’t want to leave, and other nights I’m sleeping on the floor inside a million dollar mansion trying to convey the compassion of Christ to a confused businessman I may have met on the streets. I just wake up and go wherever He leads me. Its like Mary told the servants at that party in Cana, "Whatever He tells you to do, DO IT".

Describe how you came to realize God's call to help the homeless.
I was living a seemingly normal "Christian life". Work all week, church on Sunday. It was sort of the American Dream. Apart from all of the money I was making and the nice-paying jobs God had given me, they no longer made any sense. After reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, I started to research Jesus myself. No pastors, no podcasts, no wikipedia– just me and the Bible.   I opened up to Matthew, which made all the sense in the world, and that's when I felt my senses being toyed with. Countless references to Jesus spending time with the poor, the outcasts, the "least of these." He said that if you do anything to the least of these, that you do it unto Him. If you feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the imprisoned, minister to the needs of the sick, that it's really Him you are ministering to. Eight months have passed, and I’ve since sold everything I have so that I can learn to live as a disciple of Christ. I know this isn't the popular doctrine, but Jesus really meant what He said about preferring others above ourselves, about us being provided for so that we could provide for others–the widows, the orphans, all of that.

How can someone get involved in what you do?
If you have eyes to see, you will see. I think too often we are praying for God to fix our hearts so that we would have the correct vision. It’s impossible to wrap duct tape around an old cracked wineskin. We need new eyes, new vision and a new Church. In Acts 2, right after Pentecost, you see a church wrecked for the community around them and immediately after the Spirit falls, Peter preaches to the masses and 5,000 people are added to their church. They sell everything and start to care for the needy around them. My best suggestion is just go. It’s the last command we got from Jesus. He will make very clear the path that you should take. Talk to a homeless person. Sleep in the cold one night you find yourself complaining. Do something impractical, uncomfortable. By all means, if your church has a community outreach, get involved, but don’t limit the compassion of Christ to a once a month paper bag feed. Stick around long enough to find out names, stories and needs.

If there were one thing you could say to the world, what would it be?
Lets live like Jesus. Just live like Jesus. Jesus showed His love for us by giving up His life for us, hoping for the same from us. Our lives are consumed with time wasted, money blown, relationships ruined, all for the sake of the American Dream. The Church even seems to strive for this so-called Dream. Jesus reminded us not to store up treasures on earth. He believed in simplicity. He urged His disciples to give up everything for the sake of the gospel. He didn’t believe that the Church was a physical building, but that we are the Church. Wherever we are, God is. Jesus taught us that we are blessed from God to be a blessing. If we have "stuff," it is to give it away. Jesus taught that there is so much more to life than food and clothing and shelter. And He said that when we decrease and downsize our lives, we are more able to bless others. He taught us to love; yet we so easily forget. I want to learn the way Jesus loved. Love is my mission statement.

So take some time and study this Jesus you claim to follow. What is He saying to you? Where is He leading? We can all learn a lesson from this 23-year-old radical. Let’s learn to love and let’s learn to live like Jesus.

A bit on hope.

2008-01-22T17:56:00.000-08:00

Everyone thought you were happy. Everyone thought you had it all figured out. You had the money. You had the fame. You had it all. And now it's gone?
Something in us all wants hope...just hope. Hope that cannot be taken away when the high wears off, hope that cannot crash to the ground when the money runs out. We fight for it. We'd die for it. It's the important. That's...intense.
Fame can't cure us. Money won't do. Security? No. Happiness? What is happiness anyway? Nothing will fill this hole inside of us. Hope-less.
We live thinking that hope is impossible...because that's how our parents raised us. They aren't happy. They don't love, they don't share, they don't have the hope we all need, so we can't either? That is a crock. That is a lie. Hope is not a myth. It's more real than anything in the world. It's more tangible than the keyboard that I'm typing on. It's more defined than anything Webster could read to us. Hope is there. We just have to find it.

Starry Sanctuary.

2008-01-21T18:03:00.000-08:00

There are always days when a person could use a rest. Life is stressful and everything you see can represent a demand for your time and energy. These are the days when a girl just really needs a break from the world. These are the nights when I find myself alone on my sidewalk, underneath the stars.
This is a simple place. It's not life-changing; it's not boisterous or popular. This place exudes a peace that I've never known anywhere else. This peace is reflected in the wind moving through the trees and the calm, surrealistic feel of it all. It's a peace that I can only find on this sidewalk, on these nights, and it's something that I cannot live without.
In the warmth of the spring and summer nights, this is my favorite place to be. Everything is still, everything is quiet. I can hear the wildlife mostly consisting of chirping insects and neighborhood pets. Though I seem to be alone, my ears tell me differently. The whispers of the wind in the trees, and the hushed sounds of those bugs, that during the day I consider pests, keep me company as my fears and worries unravel.
There is not much to see, on these nights, as the darkness covers my town like a blanket. Streetlights dimly illuminate the several trees surrounding my ancient house. Though I can't see much, sight is the reason I have chosen this stand-in sanctuary. My eyes always find their way up to the skies, and they wander through the millions of brightly lit stars. It is the stars that appeal to me. These stars represent a vastness that is incomprehensible. My troubles feel small and unimportant under these stars, and I know that I am part of something much bigger than myself.
This place--this sidewalk outside my house--will always be my place. During the day a million people can step across this concrete, but at night, under those stars, it will always be mine alone. Peacefulness, tranquility, rest--this is what I find on my sidewalk, and it can always be found on those days when I just really need a break from the world.

a letter.

2008-01-19T13:11:00.000-08:00

dear sienna,
if only you knew.
He died for you. He wouldn't give up on you now, and He wouldn't let you down.
He has a plan. He knows it sucks sometimes....the stuff you have to go through....but He also knows what is coming, and what is coming is going to blow your mind. don't give up. don't let them drag you down. don't let life make you want to die.
look at the little stuff. let it take your breath away. you wrote those things because they meant something to you. don't forget about that. don't forget the meaning, because without it, your life would be so different.
look at her. you didn't even know. you haven't even seen her face for quite a while....but she's always been there, looking at you, watching you, looking up to you. you could lose it all, at any second, and she'd still say the things she said. she'd still love you. she doesn't know you love her, but she knows she is loved. maybe you didn't do that, maybe you didn't speak those words directly to her, but she saw you speak them to a million other people, and somehow she knew.
don't get stuck here, in this day, in this moment, in this situation. there is more to life. there is so much more, and you have to grab ahold of it and never let go. you have to make the most of it, before it's over.
a lot has happened in the last two years. you owe a lot to those kids who brought you this far. it's going to be over soon...this whole life you've lived for the last twelve years. it's going to end. it's going to be too late for you to speak the words you want to speak. you have a few months to say those words, but you have the rest of your life to regret not saying them. so say them. be bold. be brave. when it ends, you don't want to remember the things you could've said; you want to remember the things you did say, and the looks on the faces of the kids you finally noticed.
you may just be one person, but somehow, someway, you matter to them. it's weird and twisted, but you mean something. your voice really does mean something. so say it. shout it. don't hide. your light may be the only light they ever see.
mostly, don't forget that the words you speak to everyone else are true for you as well. it seems impossible...highly unlikely...but they really are true. don't let go. don't forget.

this is difficult.

2008-01-14T15:15:00.000-08:00

I met this boy once. We were friends. Good friends. We talked, we laughed, I liked him. One day, he asked me a question I'll never forget. He asked me if I went to church. He asked me what I believed. I couldn't answer him. Not enough time, no words to say. I couldn't answer him.
It was okay, at the time, that I couldn't answer him. I didn't know what to say anyway. And I liked him, I wasn't planning on losing contact with him anytime soon. We were friends, sort of. And then, I heard something I really didn't want to hear. He was going away. Far away, for a very long time...maybe, possibly forever. I didn't know when I'd ever see him again.
The last day I saw him was not much fun. I said goodbye, he saluted. He was a Marine, that's what Marines do. And I felt like crying. My heart was tearing into a million pieces. I just smiled, my last farewell, and waved him away. So far away.
On the drive home that night, I broke. It wasn't the fact that he was my friend. It wasn't simply that fact that made me cry. It was the conversation I'd never finished. It was the words left unspoken, the words I didn't have.
I thought I'd never see that boy again. I thought he was gone forever. And then he came back. One day. One day, I got to be his friend once again, and it all came flooding back. All the feelings, all the wishes, all of it.
It's different now. Much different. I still love that boy. I still wish him the best. And now, now I have the words. All those words I couldn't have spoken--I can speak them now. I only need the chance. I only need some time.
But he's gone...again. I don't know if I'll ever see him again...again. I asked for his address, so I could write him a letter that might speak the words I never could.
I don't know how this story ends. I only hope it's not too late.

The Lake

2008-01-10T15:44:00.000-08:00

I remember when we were together at this lake. Just us. Living and breathing serenity and perfection. He was sailing, I was reading. We fished a bit. It was marvelous—it really was. But that was last summer. It’s strange, really, not knowing where he is now. It’s strange not hearing his voice every day, not seeing his face in the reflection of the water next to mine.
We spent the whole summer at that lake. We barely came up for air. Every day, riding our bikes side by side, we’d hastily make our way to the lake. Sometimes we’d bring friends with us. Sometimes we’d throw parties. It was like our home, that lake. It was never-ending joy and blue skies all the time. He was for me. Completely. And I was his. I thought it was forever.
August 1^st, 1942 marked an end to forever for a young smitten girl and her mate. One summer. One summer and then his father got to him. They need you, son. Your country needs you. I can still hear his words. I cried…for hours. He didn’t notice. The guilt, maybe, blinded him, or duty, or country, or his friends who’d already enlisted. Or, I don’t know what. It was our summer, though, and it was over.
Serenity and perfection became pain and separation. He swore he’d write. And he did. Seven months overseas. He was my soldier. My love. Mine forever. When I got the news, I was devastated, understandably. I’d never felt like that before. It felt as thought I was the one who’d been shot. Not him. I should’ve been dying, not my love. I was dying. I did. I died that day.
I keep expecting him to push me in the water. Sitting beside this lake right now, I’m waiting to feel him behind me and hear his beautiful laughter. But he’s not here. He’ll never be here. I can’t tell you of the pain. You’d never know what I meant. I can only say that I’m dead to all things now, just like my love. My soldier with those shining eyes and curly locks, my soldier is a soldier no more.
I used to pray that prayer. Take him out of the battle, Lord. He shouldn’t fight anymore. They say “be careful what you pray for.” I should’ve been. I should’ve thought. I didn’t mean it this way, my God. You should’ve known. You shouldn’t have done this.
I’ll never forgive myself. I should’ve done things differently and this wouldn’t have happened. This lake is forgiveness to me now, as I sink in. It’s forgiveness as I struggle for breath, and don’t come up for air.
I remember when we were together at this lake. Now we’ll be together again. My soldier and I. Together forever.

When Comfort Becomes Uncomfortable

2008-01-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

She rides the bus to school in the morning. Five days until Christmas, nothing new for her. Christmas is just another day. Another day of fighting, of pain, of hurting. Another day of being invisible. She rides the bus to school, to the school that you work at, but she knows you don't see her.
You drive your SUV to school in the morning. Five days until Christmas, time is getting short. So many presents to buy, so many things to do, so little time. You'll be happy when Christmas is over, and life goes back to normal. You drive your SUV to school, the same school she goes to, but you never see her.
Fast-forward. It's Christmas Eve, and you attend the service at your church. It's title? "A Simple Christmas." Your organic food choices and homemade gifts reflect the simplistic approach you've taken to this holiday season. But what about her? Her simplistic Christmas is nonexistent, because her Christmas doesn't exist. It doesn't stand a chance on the streets, in the cold, winter air. As you sing songs of merriment and put an extra five dollar bill in the offering plate, you remember her face. For once, you can see her eyes, and her pain, and it's a haunting vision.
All around you, people are singing Joy to the World. They are decking the halls, and walking in this winter wonderland. You, on the other hand, are left wondering. What is this day like for her? Where is she, how is she? You turn on the news. Christmas Day news is of charity, and love. As the anchors talk to the director of the local homeless shelter, you see her face in the back of your mind. Those pain filled eyes just won't leave you alone. It's then that you realize He's not going to leave you alone until you do something.
It's then that you find that Jesus is pretty good at wrecking lives.
It's hard to live a life of comfort when the faces of the homeless stare at us day to day. It's difficult to spend our money carelessly, when we are constantly reminded of those who have no money to spend. It's easy for Jesus to wreck our comfortable lives, but it's difficult for us to respond.
In his book, "The Irresistible Revolution," Shane Claiborne introduces this phenomenon of lives wrecked by Jesus. He talks about "when comfort becomes uncomfortable." Claiborne speaks of how he grew up in a life of comfortable religion. His faith was never challenged. Being a Christian was just the cool thing to do. A lot of people in this country have the same story. I know I do.
There are so many who have so much less than I do—in this country, and in other places. Yet, I tend to think that my family is poor; that we have nothing. I take for granted the blessings God has given me—or I did, until someone put "The Irresistible Revolution" in my hands. This book has opened my eyes to a world that I don't see often. The world of poverty, in the slums of America. It's shown me that there are so many, with so little, and I need to do something about it. I need to be the hands and feet of a living, loving God who won't stand for poverty or pain for His children.
As this new year begins, I think I'll see life a bit differently. Comfort has become uncomfortable to me, because there are too many who don't live in comfort. Jesus has wrecked my comfortable life, and I can't hide my eyes from the faces of the needy anymore.
What about you? Maybe Jesus will wreck your life too, this year. Just look at the faces around you, my friends. See their eyes. Can you stay comfortable?

Irresistible

2008-01-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

fasting. have you ever heard of fasting? do you know what fasting is?

fasting, for most 'contemporary' Christians, these days, is about denying yourself something (normally food) for a set period of time, in hopes of hearing God speak to you or growing in your relationship with Him.
in Isaiah, God describes fasting. he's talking to those "righteous" people who were using fasting and prayer and good works as a way to gain popularity and have an image that people were impressed with. He says that we have skewed the definition of fasting. that it shouldn't be about putting on a fake image of godliness. it should be about awareness of injustice. you should fast because you realize that there are so many out there without food and life-giving necessities. and your fast should not be simply denying yourself food, but sacrificing your food and giving it to those who have none.
Shane Claiborne says these words in his book, The Irresistible Revolution: As we consider what it means to be "born again," as the evangelical jargon goes, we must ask what it means to b e born again into a family in which our brothers and sisters are starving to death.

today, i'm just asking you to think about this. maybe you've never thought about fasting, or even heard of it before. or maybe you have done it...because you thought you could gain something, get closer to God, look good in front of your youth group...whatever the case...i want you to think for a moment. think about all the stuff you have. all the unnecessary stuff that clutters your room. all the things you just received for Christmas--that you know you are never going to use. all the clothes that fill your closet...and maybe your floor...and your furniture...and everything...
think about that stuff. and think about how you probably weren't satisfied on Christmas day, because you didn't get the color iPod you wanted, or the correct pair of Converse. and remember, okay? remember those with nothing. those who wake up each morning, and take inventory of their possessions which fill a small shopping bag. those who don't have a shower to clean themselves in each night...or water to drink whenever they please.
remember them, and remember that God calls us to sacrifice. to fast. to help. because He's blessed us with so much...but not for our own gain...for what is it, if we gain the world, but lose our souls?

loved.

2007-07-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

Love.
It's not a random thing.
It's a choice.
And it's a choice God made long ago.
He made you.
He loved you.
He sent His son to die for you.
Because YOU ARE LOVED.

Please know that. Please.

If Only...

2007-07-13T09:56:00.000-07:00

Hours in a car. Just the two of us. Hardly a word will be spoken, I already know it. And that's why I'm dreading those hours, hundreds of miles, in a car; just the two of us.
There are a thousand things I want to say to you. A million words I want to speak. And I wish that you would listen. But I don't think I'll have your attention.
If I could say anything in the world, I'd say everything. I'd tell you that I miss you. That you are never around, and it hurts me. I'd tell you that I love you, even when you think no one loves you. Because that's what I fear the most. I fear that you are living life alone, without anyone to love you. But I need you to know that I love you. I'd tell you that. If I had the chance.
I'd spill my heart. All the dreams I've been keeping from people, keeping from you. I'd let you know my dreams, my wishes, my plans. If I could just talk to you.
And I don't know what's stopping me. Hours in a car, just us, but it's not the time? I've grown too used to the thought that my words aren't important. You've made it too clear in the past. That is precisely why these words will never be spoken aloud. These feelings in my heart that I've cried over many a night. They'll never be given up, they'll never be let go.
But whether I tell you this or not, I hope somehow that you know. I love you. I miss you. I wish things hadn't happened the way they happened. I wish we could go back, not that it would change much. I just wish you knew. I wish you knew.

To Die For.

2007-07-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm walking down the streets of New York City, right? Just walking, minding my own business. All of a sudden, I notice a man in the crowd. He's running from person to person, urgently, desperately trying to get someone's attention. It seems like no one can see him, they've all fallen into a pattern of ignorance. But I see him. And he notices my glance, as well. Gasping for air, he makes his way toward me. And when he's finally in front of me, he hands me a box.

Normally, I wouldn't accept a box from a complete stranger. A complete stranger, yes, and one who looks like he does. Grungy clothes, dirty face, tired eyes. But I grab hold, for I can see the pleading look in his eyes. He needs someone to take this box. And I feel that it's my job to do so. As he releases, I ask why. What is it?

He begins to tell me a story:
I once knew a girl. She was your age, maybe a bit younger. She was the love of my life. I never got the chance to marry her, for she died when we were only sixteen. She was murdered. The man that murdered her was looking for these. He wanted more from her than she was able to give. More than she was willing to give.

I found her, as she was dying from the stab wounds. With her last few breaths, she told me to take these things. Stow them safe away. She wasn't ready to give them up, she wasn't ready to give him what he wanted, and it cost her life. She said to keep them safe. To show others that these things are important. That they need protection, that they are worth dying for.

And just as he had come, in a whirlwind of fury, the man left me. When I got home, I opened the box. Inside was nothing more than several sheets of paper. Disappointment flooded my face, but I decided to examine them a bit deeper. As I opened each sheet of paper, I realized that the girl was correct. These things were important. Not things to be given at your own discretion, and not things to be flaunted. These were things to die for. On each sheet of yellowed paper, written in beautiful cursive with a loving hand was a different one of these words. Faith. Perseverance. Integrity. Patience. Love. Values. Belief. Honesty. Loyalty.

My dreams. Never quite as it seems.

2007-07-12T19:51:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, listening to the Cranberries, I'm wondering just why I've decided to make this "blog". Blog happens to be my least favorite word, of all time, but for whatever reason, I've decided to become a full blown bloggist or blogger or whatever. Anyway, this is just a "first post"....and not much of a view of what is to come. What that is? I don't know yet.