There is, perhaps, a strange freedom in my sadness. There is a light, so it seems, at the end of this darkness. I just keep wondering when I'll get there. When will it finally be okay, what you've done to me? When will it ever stop mattering? When will forgiveness be real?
These days, I am happy. I see so much joy in the world, and I know that it is real. It is more real than the haunting pain that turns up when I least expect it. And this joy, it gives me hope. It's my lifeline...because there are times when I'm so far gone, I can't see Him anymore. I just have to remember the joy.
But the happiness...it mocks me. Especially when I see the others with their happy families and their picture perfect lives. Yes, I know their lives aren't perfect either, but I can't see the sadness. I guess they can't see mine. Just as you can't see my sadness. So I don't blame you for forgetting me. It's not your fault that I've become invisible. It's my fault. It's my fault. I don't speak. I can't. Even if I tried...it wouldn't come out right. Believe me. I tried to tell her the other day. I just blew it off. The intensity of it all, I just blew it off.
I've wanted to speak these words since the beginning of forever. I wish you could see me. Do you know? I am not who you think I am. That is only because I'm afraid to let you in. You hurt so many people. You hurt her, more than you can imagine. You took away everything she believed in, you took me away from her. You took us all away from her. That's how I see it. Maybe it's not right, but that's how I see it. I wish I didn't hold it against you. I wish I didn't blame you for running. Maybe that's not how it was. I wasn't there, I don't know.
However it was, whatever led you to leave and take us away, I wish it hadn't been. In the end, what I wish doesn't matter, because it's over and done. But if you could see me, if I wasn't invisible, maybe it would be okay.
Honestly, I know it's difficult to understand this. You are always there. Anyone on the outside would say that you support me in everything. You've been to every game, every event, since I can remember. That's why I don't understand. That's why I'm so confused. You've always been there....and you've never seen me?
4 comments:
You write with your heart....you let it speak and write those words...man I need you...I need you more than the breathe that gives me life.....you are a tangible reminder of Jesus and his love...you are my Sienna...and I wish I could tell you everything...everything....I love you and that will never change...
Would you be sad if I told you that I cried while reading this? And then I had to read it again because the words got fuzzy? I love you sweetie. I sure hope I get to meet you sometime. That would be amazingly awesome.
ah i like this. i like this a lot. but more than that, i like how honest you are.
i love you, ms. sienna.
"when will forgiveness be real?"
in the bible someone asks Jesus "how many times do I forgive my brother?" and Jesus replies with "7 times 70" as to say there is no end to forgiveness. I think for me this past week, nothing has slapped me harder in the face. part of Love is forgiveness. it's hard, but it's beautiful when it happens.
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