I've gotta crucify myself if I am gonna believe You.

I didn't ever think prayer was worthwhile. Honest to goodness, I wondered for so long just who in the heck I was talking to, and why on earth I thought He was listening to me. It just didn't jive, in my mind. Why couldn't I see Him, if He was there, I mean?
But something has drastically changed. It turns out that everything I do is a prayer. Every action I complete is a grasp for a God that is so much bigger and so much closer than I'd ever known. And some things are better illustrated than explained:

Thought processes ingrained in my brain from infancy speak of inferiority. I'll never be good enough. But I'm learning, it's being shown to me time and again, that this isn't the case. And as I bout with these thoughts day in and day out, I pray to this God that I believe in. I pray that maybe He'll take this away. But it doesn't happen.
On the other hand, something happens. Something always happens.
We went to Barnabas yesterday. Summer camp, year-round retreat center. We went expected to tear down a cabin or two and be on our way. I didn't realize that revolution would occur. And I didn't realize that revolution was a continuous thing. It never ends.
Destruction. Demolishing. We tore that place up. A cabin and a half in about five hours? No joke. As I pried up the floorboards with a crowbar, and sledge-hammered the crap out of that roof, I was destroying those thoughts. I was so excited about it. So proud. So wrong.
Later that evening, after a full, hard day of work, they came back. They always come back. I hadn't even been close to beating that demon. I hadn't even been close. I was so depressed, you know? I was so down after that, because nothing ever works. They always come back, because I can't beat them.
But as processes go, there was another step to be taken. I decided at about 9:45 this morning that I was going to Emmaus...which started at 10:30. I don't really do things like that. I'm a planner, and my decisions are normally concrete several hours in advance. But not this morning. I wasn't sure why, but I just needed to be at Emmaus. So we went.
From the first note of the piano, sole instrument, to the last tear I shed...this morning was perfection. Renewal. It's all about renewing. God promises it. He is making all things new. As much as I hate to admit it, I am not in control. I can't destroy these thoughts on my own.
God, I am amazed. I spent yesterday tearing the world down. Tearing every stupid silly thing in my head to the ground, only to have it come back full force. But now I know. You tear the stuff down. You destroy it. Not I. You promise renewal, because You know that it is what we long for. A new heaven and a new earth. New hearts, not broken. New minds, not stolen by evil. New bodies, not completely usless.
It's a process...because these things will come back. But prayer does work. It works wonders...because it's His goal to make all things new. How amazing.

When we arrive at eternity's shore,
where death is just a memory and tears are no more.
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring,
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful.

I'm learning that constantly.
You're beautiful.

I see Your face, You're beautiful.