Musings

A lot of kids come to me with words about suicide and the inability to find meaning in this life. My kids are broken. So broken, that sometimes I wonder if fixing them is even possible. For a lot of people in my life, the question is: "Why don't you talk to them about Jesus?" "Why don't you tell them to go to church?"
For me, the question has become: "Are they too broken to fix?" "Is there anything that can help them?"

Today I had the pleasure of saying the words, "You're young. You'll learn." to one of my coworkers. We were talking about a young woman who is a meth fiend and recently starting claiming to have gotten pregnant. My supervisor was talking about her drug use and my coworker said, "But if she's pregnant, doesn't that mean she'll stop using drugs?" I have been around long enough to know that the answer to that question is no, so I said so. My supervisor told me that I am jaded--I'm 19 years old and I'm jaded.

This has become my every day as of late. I have little faith that things can be fixed and I choose not to think about this, so as not to get my hopes crushed when she doesn't quit using meth and her baby dies or is born addicted. I choose not to get my hopes up about my kid who is in jail so that when he gets out and goes right back to using drugs and stealing to get by, I won't be disappointed.
I have felt much disappointment.

This saddens me terribly.

It isn't that this completely translates into my work. I still offer counseling and services to those in need, but I don't mess around anymore. One of the luxuries of working in an outreach center setting is that, due to lack of time divided by amount of youth in the center, you can say the words "I will work with you, but I'm not going to waste my time if you aren't going to put in effort."
This has been my response lately and though, in one way, it is liberating to say those words, I just wonder whether what has happened to me is good or not. I see bad things in the fact that I detach myself. I never wanted to become this way. Though there are pros and cons, it is a process for me to get to the point where I am comfortable with the way I approach my job. And I am not there yet.

Last night I spent three hours letting myself worry about my kids. I haven't done that in several weeks and I don't think it was the best decision last night. Though, like the addict who returns to their drug of choice, I felt a sense of serenity as I fell asleep--a sense of normalcy.
I cannot get back into this habit. It is not healthy. It has not served me well.