addendum

to those of you that question my faith.

to those of you that worry and pray about me.

here is where i am...in less words. here is where i have been for some time and where i will stay for some more time.

i'm not upset about it. i'd rather be honest and confused than a liar and a fraud.

i feel so strange about that...about so many things...about this thing called life and how it's all playing out.

what's going to happen to us when it's over?

what is there to look forward to? to direct their eyes to?

i don't know. i really don't. that's scary and foreign to me.

could there be a place where we are all healed? not just some of us, those that go to church and subscribe to religion...but all of us? where we no longer feel pain or give pain?

i'm not so sure. but i wish. i hope. i pray.

i pray that there is a place where all of this hard work will finally pay off. where he will be wanted and know that. where he will be able to deal with his past and not have to get fucked up. where family won't be a question, but a constant. where she won't have to manipulate to find love because love will always be there. where he won't have to be locked up because he is lost and can't find his way home...because he has no home.

i pray that these things will come true. these and so many more.

but i don't know at this point. i can't tell you what will happen when it's over. i can't even tell you what will happen tomorrow. who am i to think i could ever figure this out? who am i to say that there is a definite answer? who am i?

i think that those who claim to have the answer are only kidding themselves. maybe i am wrong, but what is my opinion worth anyway? i think that those who think this life is simple and can be fixed in a matter of syllables are more fucked up than most of us will ever be.

i'm a fan of honesty. i haven't been honest with a lot of people in my life and i'm sorry about that. but this is me. this is honesty in all it's glory.

i'm sorry if you are disappointed in me. but, honestly, i really don't care about your opinion of me. i only care about finding the truth. and i'm not so sure i'll ever be able to find it. but i won't stop looking.

so you can pray for me...and i hope that you will. i hope that you will pray for my kids and my friends and my life. but don't kid yourself. you don't have it figured out either. and don't judge me for being confused. [sorry for being defensive...that's how i was raised]