We are nowhere, and it's now.

I put my facebook status as "things are about to get crazy" a few weeks ago.

I thought that my life might be spiced up a bit, so I wrote this.

I think it is a gross underexaggeration.

I haven't slept all week. I am a completely changed person.

Mostly, I want you to know that you were right about me. And I place some of the blame on you for it. I hope that you read this, though you probably won't, and I hope that you know what I mean.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know when I'll get there. But I've got to keep moving.


If you swear that there's no truth, and who cares, how come you say it like you're right?



I haven't been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime.

Relief.

Our concert "in the park" that wasn't actually in the park due to rain went off without a hitch (other than the serious storm-age)! It's over! Thank God!

I feel about 800% less stressed today.

However, I have about 800 things added to both my work and home to-do lists. Just got two new clients this week. Both are very needy. And I've been asked to write a lit review for a grant for one of my professors. I hate writing lit reviews. I'm pretty horrible at it.

But that's what I'll spend today doing.

Not a lot to say, just wanted to check in. I'm going on vacation at the end of this week for a few days. It's going to be superb.

it never ends...

I keep thinking, "If only I can make it until xx/xx/xxxx. Then I will be able to rest."

Things are kind of falling apart all around me.

Yet, I am not overly concerned. I just keep going...day to day, day to day...not worrying too much..not worrying too little. I'm content, in some ways, and very discontent in others. I hope for my kids to get jobs and move on. I hope for some of them to get healthy and move on. I hope for most of them to be happy and move on.
I hope my family will learn to be less dysfunctional....but there is something about the concept of personal responsibility. I can't solve the problems of everyone around me. All I can be is stable and unwavering. The still point.

If not for the still point, there would be no dance. And there is only the dance.

I think that soon (by soon, I mean after I get my bachelors and my masters degrees) I will move on from here. I think that there are greater things on the horizon than this little town. I think that I will do great things and tire myself out completely so that one day I can be content in the simplicity of life.

But I think that for now, my job is to be. To just be. Be consistent. Be compassionate. Be firm, but understanding. Be.

In all things, I must stand firm. Alone, with the help of my friends.

it's only Monday...

freaking monday.

I was woken up at 2:30 this morning by a Safe Place call. Kid in crisis....kid that happens to be my stalker. Freak yes. I didn't respond to the call but I went to fill in at the TLP while someone else did. Girl didn't even follow through.

So I didn't go back to sleep when I got home at 4:00 am. I wrote a paper instead. And then I went to work at 7:00. Worked til 3:30. Did a bunch of homework. Working on finding a stage for an event I'm planning.

Now it's 5:20 and I'm waiting until 6:00 to go to a work BBQ. I'm really excited.

Not.

I'm really exhausted.

I get too attached to people.

I know this about myself.

I know that when I get too attached, it's so hard to let go.

So I turn from one extreme to the other. I get too attached or I don't get involved at all. I don't know how to balance things. I don't know which is better.

It never gets easier--letting go of people. Even if you don't believe that they will actually leave. Even if you know they'll come back someday. What if you aren't here when they get back? What if you are different, they are different?

All these questions make me wonder why I do what I do. Why do these people matter so much? Why love them? Why?

I'm feeling sad this morning, and lacking a bit of direction. I'm not sure what I need, except just someone who isn't going to leave. Is that possible?