This week has actually been pretty good, though yesterday was not quite what I expected and I didn't enjoy most of it. Thanksgiving break is almost here and that means this semester is almost over. Thank God.
Tuesday night I went home from work crying, for what I thought was no reason. On the drive home (which takes all of five minutes) I was sobbing so much that my body was shaking. It was awful. So I decided to keep driving until I could compose myself. While I was driving around Springfield, unable to see well with tears in my eyes (not such a great idea), I realized why I was crying, and why I've been crying for the last several months.
I was raised to believe that if you do not have a relationship with Jesus and have not accepted him into your life, you are going to go to hell. Period. That's it. No ifs ands or buts. End of story.
Working with high-risk youth, I have begun to think about things a lot differently, and I've been exposed to things that make this belief I had for 18 years stop adding up. I cannot reconcile the thought that these kids are going to go to hell because I cannot see how any kid that has grown up with physical, emotional, sexual abuse and addiction and poverty can think of anything else as normal.
Christianity is middle-class white man's religion. It isn't for the poor because it doesn't speak to the lives that this population live. I mean, if I had grown up with parents who smoked pot and drank on a daily basis, who didn't see a problem with premarital sex, who found it okay to call their kids names and yell when they didn't get what they wanted, I wouldn't realize that these things aren't normal. I wouldn't change my lifestyle, because I wouldn't know any better.
And on top of that, if I had grown up with all of that abuse, I wouldn't see a problem with engaging in destructive behaviors to cope with these things--because that is all that I would have ever been taught to do.
So how can God send these kids to hell?
That's my question. How can God send them to hell for committing "sins" that they didn't know any better than to commit?
Driving my car down National, yelling at God at the top of my lungs, I tried to deal with this harrowing question which, when answered, would mean one of two things: either I would have to deal with the fact that everything I had ever grown up believing and invested in and "preached" was wrong, or I would have to deal with the fact that these kids that I love are going to go to hell.
After a lot of pondering and a lot of talking to people, I have decided that the first of those two options is what is going to happen. I don't believe everything I once did--though right now I couldn't exactly tell you what that means... I'm trying to figure it out.
And taking myself out of the chains that society's version of Christian thought put on me has actually been quite freeing. I've been happy this week for the first time in a long time. I've enjoyed going to work and I've felt successful in my job.
Of course, with all the good things happening, it just wouldn't be right if I got out scot free. Last night was quite heartbreaking as one of my kids whom I hadn't seen in several weeks came back into my life. So, we'll see what happens with that.
1 comment:
If I'm sure of anything, it's that God's grace exceeds even my wildest imaginings.
When sin entered the world, the world was corrupted instantly. That wasn't the way it was intended, but for God to have a relationship with us we had to have free will and man chose selfishness and sin then and ever since. Every redeeming quality about our world, everything we find beautiful or endearing is in itself an example of God's grace. All the ugliness in this world is a reminder that we weren't created for this . . . that this isn't our home. We were created to be perfect, to exist in perfection with a perfect God.
Loving a lot comes with risks, which is why so many people choose not to take part. If you are going to open yourself up like you do, I think it best for your sanity to embrace the grace aspect of God; see the Christ on the Cross as opposed to the judge on His throne. God is many things. He is very complicated. The Bible is very complicated and confusing. Every Christian wonders about God's rationale as it pertains to judgment. The fact is we aren't holy enough to fully understand God, at least not in this life. We are charged with simply loving Him and one another.
Have faith that the calming light of God's grace is strong enough to reach anyone . . . everyone, even those who have known only storms. Sometimes the clouds part in an outstanding display of God's might. Sometimes the light is carried in buckets, just a little at time by people like you.
Either way, rest assured that God's light touches us all. Whether we are warmed by it or rush back into cool shadows is up to us; it's free will on display again. Romans 2 13-16 is an interesting study in this area with a lot of implications worth pondering.
Hang in there. You have a strong mind and even more importantly, great faith. Only someone with the conviction of faith that you possess could undertake such a difficult and heart wrenching task. I bet that’s why he chose you.
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